Category Archives: Politics

How to be a Good Democrat

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Virtually anyone can be a Democrat… Just simply quit thinking and vote that way! But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate:

  • You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
  • You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  • You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
  • You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
  • You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
  • You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
  • You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
  • You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  • You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
  • You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  • You have to believe the militaries, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
  • You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain other parts of the Constitution.
  • You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
  • You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
  • You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.
  • You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
  • You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried, is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
  • You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
  • You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
  • You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

Goodbye Bubba’s Jeans

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A tribute to William Jefferson Clinton to be sung to the tune of “Candle in the Wind”

Goodbye Bubba’s Jeans
Though you always grew in your pants
You had the grace to hold yourself,
Till a woman graced the room.
You called out through the country,
While you whispered to those babes in pain,
You can take me to heaven
And then deny it all the same!

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

Goodbye Bubba’s jeans
The nation will miss your style
We’ll miss that pouting lip
That trembled when you felt our pain.
And even though we’ll try
The truth that you are really gone
Will bring us all to tears;
When your wife is no longer running things.

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

Goodbye Bubba’s jeans,
You wanted to be just like JFK
And now you’ve done it,
Making Monica your Marilyn Monroe.
We hope that it was worth it,
Dragging the country through the mud,
So you could satisfy that urge,
The one that’s run you out of town.

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

George W at the Pearly Gates

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Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

Future News for the Election

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Dateline Wash D.C Dec. 30, 2004

December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)

After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. “We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks,” Bush said. “Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let’s get to work!”

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush’s victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president – New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. “At times, it’s been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect,trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK.”

Torre’s four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia’s shoes, angering conservatives. Torre’s boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately.

Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, “It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known.” The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive “I Voted Today” stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

  • Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.
  • Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn’t expected back until after Bush’s term ends. “One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system,” a Bush aide admitted. “But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something.”

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

Revocation of Your Independence

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To the citizens of the United States of America:

Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch’s duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

  1. Look up “revoke” in a dictionary
  2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of “God Save the Queen”
  3. Start referring to “soccer” as football
  4. Declare war on Quebec and France
  5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
  6. Learn to play cricket
  7. Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine
  8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday
  9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks
  10. Driving on the left is now compulsory

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and… have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is not to be a legal holiday anymore.

Political Kittens

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Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box, kid?” The little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”

Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” the child says.

“Oh, that’s cute,” Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”

The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”

“Whoa!” Al says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What’s up?”

“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”

You Might Be A Democrat If…

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  • You can’t talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
  • You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
  • The closest you’ve ever actually been to a rain forest is a Sting concert.
  • You don’t understand why anyone was bothered by Jane’s trip to Hanoi.
  • You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
  • You would rather have Bill Clinton make your investments than Fidelity.
  • You’ve never had to worry about marginal tax rates.
  • You have to use the term “mean spirited” in every sentence when talking about welfare reform.
  • You actually expect to collect Social Security.
  • You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
  • You have a “Run, Jesse Run” bumper sticker on your diesel Volvo.
  • You think the Great Society has actually worked.
  • You got teary eyed during the film “The American President.”
  • You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
  • You get goose bumps when Barbra Streisand sings for Bill.
  • You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
  • You’ve tried to get in touch with Hillary’s broker.
  • You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
  • You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
  • You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
  • You think that Vietnam and Bosnia are two completely different situations.
  • You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
  • You like Rolling Stone, but they should really get rid of that PJ O’Rourke guy.
  • You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
  • You know at least one Vegan.
  • You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
  • You’d rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
  • You actually believe that Clinton has created 4 million jobs.
  • You think Capital Formation refers to the Secret Service contingent following Bill on his daily jog to McDonalds.
  • You think that the Teamsters are misunderstood.
  • You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard).
  • You think the anti-war protestors from ’60s are the real heros.
  • You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer’s stash.
  • You would send your kids to public schools, if they just had better extracurriculars.
  • You think Al Gore is the second most powerful person in Washington.
  • You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
  • You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
  • You admire the Swedish welfare system.
  • You know that Jefferson really meant to say “Entitled to Happiness.”
  • You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%.
  • You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
  • You know that Vince Foster wasn’t having an affair with Hillary because no one is that desperate.

Dear Tide

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Dear Tide,

I’m writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend’s house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn’t come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Yours truly,

Gary Condit

Dear Al

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From: The White House
To: Albert Gore, Jr.

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won!

When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

Closing Arguments

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From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:

 10. If the dress ain’t a mess, he won’t need to confess.

  9. The economy’s great, let the White Boy skate.

  8. If the Bitch didn’t spit, you must acquit.

  7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.

  6. Lewinsky’s a whore, and Bill’s better than Gore.

  5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.

  4. He cheats on his wife, but it’s his personal life.

  3. He can’t tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr’s proof.

  2. Bill isn’t sleazy, Lewinsky’s just easy.

  1.If the sex is just oral, it’s not really immoral.