Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,
And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale, The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Category Archives: Drinking
After the Beer Festival
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named “Psycho.”
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you’re invisible (or invincible).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
More Alcohol Warning Labels
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy
The ABC’s of Drinking
- A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college
- B – Beer: It’s whats for dinner
- C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
- D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
- E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
- F – Fdrinking* Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
- G – Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
- H – Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
- I – IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
- J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
- K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
- L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
- M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
- N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know
- O – Oh shit! What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.
- P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer
- Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning – YUCK!
- R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet
- S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
- T – Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
- U – Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
- V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
- W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
- X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
- Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
- Z – Zima: Zomething Different
5 Levels of Drinking
- Level One
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at Level One you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”. - Level Two
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool”. - Level Four
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an…. after hours bar. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself, “Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow … cool.”. - Level Five
Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!!!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air,and then you hit the worst part of Level Five — the sun.You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you – and they know. And they say…”Who’s Ruby?”
Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
Level Three
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live
together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at Level Three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool”.