Beer Troubleshooting

  • SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  • SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
  • SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  • SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  • SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
  • SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.
  • SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.
  • SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
  • SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
    FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
  • SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

Why Beer is Better than Religion…

  • No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
  • Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
  • Beer has never caused a major war.
  • They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
  • When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
  • Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
  • You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
  • There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
  • You can prove you have a Beer.
  • If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

A Broken Little Throw Away

He grabbed me by my slender waist
I could not kick or scream
He took me to a darkened room
Where we could not be seen
He then tore off my flimsy wrap
And looked upon my form
My lips were cold and damp and scared
Whilst his were hot and warm
His feverish lips he pressed to mine
I gave him every drop
He drained me of my very self
I could not make him stop
He made me what I am today
That’s why you find me here
A broken little throw away
That once was full of beer.

Beer Facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the “honeymoon”. I have also heard that it was believed that if the groom drank mead for an entire moon it would enhance the chances of his wife bearing a male heir, the bride however had to abstain from drinking alcohol at all.

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn’t grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase “rule of thumb”.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term “berserk” means “bare shirt” in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term “grog” soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were “groggy”, a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle”, is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Beer Guts of America

My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody’s bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody’s brand new car.

Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water.

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it’s a friend who’s always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer

Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho’s wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz ’cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door

I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said “I’ve never seen one big as that.”
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
“Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild.”

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it’s a friend who’s always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.

The Beer Drinker’s Lament

(Sung to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second you’d assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you’ve been sitting on my legs and I can’t feel them anymore.
And now you’re sitting on my face, my nose has vanished – not a trace.
I only hope that you’re big knickers aren’t made of liquorice lace.
I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you’re half cut.
I can’t believe, I’m lying here.
It’s all ‘cos of that f**king evil drink that we call beer.
You can sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I’m getting scared.
There’s nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I’ve just filled up with water.
It’s time to go, run out the door.
She’s started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don’t think there’s anything worse Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
I will survive, I will survive, I will survive!

Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers

  • You can’t get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
  • Beer bottles don’t get sprayed with pesticides
  • Beer bottles don’t shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
  • Beer is always in season.
  • Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you’re looking at, if you drink enough of it 🙂
  • Eating cucumbers to forget doesn’t work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
  • Cucumbers won’t give you a hangover.
  • Cucumbers have fewer calories.
  • Your wife won’t complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
  • You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
  • Your wife won’t complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
  • You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
  • You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
  • Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn’t hurt (much).
  • You can eat the whole cucumber, skin ‘n’ all.
  • A cucumber won’t shatter if you drop it on the ground.
  • You can shake up a cucumber, and it won’t explode when you bite it.
  • You don’t have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?

Why Beer is Better Than Women

  • You can enjoy a beer all month long.
  • Beer stains wash out.
  • You don’t have to wine and dine beer.
  • Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.
  • When your beer goes flat you toss it.
  • Beer is never late.
  • Hangovers go away.
  • A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
  • Beer labels come off without a fight.
  • When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
  • Beer never has a headache.
  • After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10¢.
  • A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
  • If you pour a beer right you’ll always get a good head.
  • You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
  • A beer always goes down easy.
  • You can share a beer with your friends.
  • You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.
  • A beer is always wet.
  • Beer doesn’t demand equality.
  • You can have a beer in public.
  • A beer doesn’t care when you get home.
  • A frigid beer is a good beer.
  • You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

The Bar Joke System

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21” and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34” and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?”

His friend said, “Well, we’ve been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number.”

Phil nodded and said “Can I try?” His friend nodded and Phil called out “121” and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn’t die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

“Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?” Phil asked.

His friend said with a small chuckle, “We haven’t heard that one before.”

At Warshowski’s Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place, Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” said the other two.

“That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” he replied, “but it happened to my sister!”