Beer Troubleshooting

  • SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  • SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
  • SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  • SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  • SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
  • SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.
  • SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.
  • SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
  • SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
    FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
  • SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.