- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.” - Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?” - Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!” - Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?” - I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
- Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
- I work for a local ISP. Frequently, we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?” - Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
- Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.” - Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icon. I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet? Is ‘little picture’ ok?”
Customer: [click] - Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash – it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
Category Archives: Computers
The Internet is Like a Penis
- It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
- In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
- It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
- It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
- If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
- It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
- We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
- If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
- It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, “why on earth did I do that?”
- Some folks have it, some don’t.
- Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
- Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
- Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.
The Annual Internet Clean-up Campaign
The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted.
All internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:
- Back-up all “bookmarks” or “favorites”–these will be essential to your ability to find your favorite sites once the internet has been cleaned.
- Clean out your history folder on your internet browser…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/history/files.html.
- Clean our your history cache…details can be found at the following website: www.clean.your/browser/cache/files.html.
- AOL users should request form # 843.02.00 by using keyword “Cleanup”. Please do not try to use form # 843.01.00 as it is long out of date.
- Prior to the shut down of the internet at 9pm EST on March 31st all internet users are advised to disconnect their computers from their internet access lines (modem or cable connection)..inexperienced users are requested to contact their ISP for information on the disconnection procedure.
- Remain off-line and disconnected from the internet until after 9am on April 1st.
- Upon reconnecting to the internet direct your web browser to the following website: www.first/start/up/empty.html … this should correct all your bookmarks.
This annual campaign removes all outdated links, old abandoned web pages, and extinct email addresses. This frees up millions of gigabytes of space each year. If people would learn to surf responsibly, without leaving dead and outdated links, this annual campaign would no longer be necessary. John Gutzen, President of Free Old Outdated Links (FOOL), the governing body of the cleanup campaign is quoted “I see the day when the campaign will no longer be required, when no one is a newbie, and when every one follows FOOL’s philosophy. That day is a long way off, but I hope to see it in my life time.”
Please note: If you attempt to connect to the internet during the shut-down time, serious damage to your computer and internet connection could occur.
All users are advised to contact their ISP prior to March 31st 6:00pm EST in the event that they do not understand any of the above.
This notice was prepared by Free Old Outdated Links (Fool) and space was provided free of charge in this Internet publication through a joint internet community effort.
How Many Mail List Subscribers….
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
- 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
- 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
- 53 to flame the spell checkers.
- 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its appropriateness to this mail list.
- 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
- 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
- 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
- 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts**are** relevant to this mail list.
- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
- 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
- 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
- 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
- 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
- 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
- 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
- 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
- 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
- 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Intel A’Gents
Software giant A’Gents has teemed up with the premium chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.
The new self-named company’s software, called “Intel A’Gents”, claims that once a computer operator has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. “Someone with Intel A’Gents would automatically have the most up to date anti-virus software and would be making regular backups of their data.”
More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will be a thing of the past. “The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax and the more famous AOL.EXE virus,” said Intel A’Gents spokesman Albert Hawkings, “wouldn’t have caused the least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE virus if they’d only had Intel A’Gents.”
Analysts say if Intel A’Gents catches on (and that’s a big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing) will be changed forever. Hawkings says, “Imagine, if you will, no more chain letters. No more ‘get rich quick’ schemes. No more SPAM because people who have Intel A’Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer.”
Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms, online forums, and message boards. “Just think of the literate postings you could see. The well thought out missives of people who have Intel A’Gents. Even on the personal boards, there’d be no more ‘A/S/L’ or ‘i need sum sex cuz im hornny’ postings because people with Intel A’Gents would concentrate on intimacy — which is far sexier, of course. I’d go so far as to say a person who has Intel A’Gents would be considered *very* sexy.”
Software itself will change, Hawkings says. “Anyone who has Intel A’Gents won’t automatically buy the latest and greatest upgrade just because it’s ‘new.’ Intel A’Gents will advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to make *real* improvements in their software and not just cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on
an upgrade charge.”
Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and WebTV. “AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A’Gents then they won’t use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes, it’s not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV can’t possibly have Intel A’Gents.”
Computer Instructions
Please Read Instructions Carefully
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would normally give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except for the fact that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
IMPORTANT!
Read This Before Using Your New Device
PLEASE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN’T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON “FAST FORWARD”, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let’s talk about:
- UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER’S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh at you in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
- Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”
- A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that’s why.”
WARNING:
This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret, and not Harvey.
- PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry’s Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. Connecting this device should only be attempted by a qualified electrician. Lay the power cord gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
- OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF “SHOGUN” ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Figure B.
- WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
Installation Setup
- Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
- 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
- 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
- 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
- 3546 MB RAM
- 432323 MB ROM
- 05948737 MB RPM
- ANTILOCK DISK-BRAKING SYSTEM
- DRIVER AIR-BAG
- NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
- Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
- Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette (little bigger than a credit-card) or CD-ROM like a shiny 33LP), located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light, ..finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you’ve been a great
crowd, and don’t forget to tip your servers. - Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.”
- If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.
- Turn the computer on, you idiot!
- Once again type “SETUP” and press Any key. If you don’t have an Any key, one can be purchased via 1-800-424-3468 or 1-800-IBI-DIOT. For now press the Enter key.
- You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: YES, NO, ???
- Regardless of your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like “puree.exe,” “fester.dat,” and “doo.wha.”
- When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
*** CONGRATULATIONS ***
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!
- At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
- Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12 or why you need to buy an upgrade.
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
Installation Disk Blues
Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”
Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: “You did what sir?”
Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”
Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”
Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?”
Silence
Tech Support: “Sir?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”
Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”
Customer: “Ummmm.”
Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”
Spinoffs on the I Love You Virus
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You”
variations and how to recognize them:
- The “I Love You, Too” virus responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
- The “I Love You, But I’m Shy” virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The “Unrequited Love” virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
- The “Love The One You’re With” virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The “Can’t We Just Be Friends” virus makes your computer think it’s interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus – Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
- The “One Night Stand” virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
- The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
- The “I Can’t Commit” virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer’s data.
- The “It’s Just A Physical Thing” virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
- The “I Want A Divorce” virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session.
- The “Little Virus Of The Evening” virus will do anything to your computer–if you’re willing to pay the right price.
- The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
- The “Forever Single” virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The “Deadbeat Dad” virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
- The “Married Too Long” virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com. — This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.
- The “Let’s just be friends” virus – Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
- The “Unsafe Sex” virus – Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
- The “Safe Sex” virus – Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
- The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus – Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.
I Don’t Wanna
I don’t wanna do the dishes,
I don’t wanna do the wash;
I sprinkled clothes a week ago,
And now my iron is lost!!
I don’t wanna rattle pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I see the mail light flashin’,
I wanna chat with friends!!
Oh the tables need some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped;
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place I can stop!
The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves
They could sprinkle fairy dust,
and twitch their little nose.
The windows would be sparkling;
I would have no dirty clothes.
Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’,
My head is in the sky;
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.
The Hubby needs a bath;
Doggy needs attention.
Wait! The other way around I mean –
my brain is in suspension.
I am runnin’ round in circles,
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web chat,
I am missing all the fun!
Well I know I’m not addicted,
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff can wait on me –
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!