Car Names Explained

  • Audi

    • Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

  • BMW
    • Big Money Works
    • Bought My Wife
    • Brutal Money Waster
    • Bimbette Motor Weapon
    • Break My Window

  • Buick

    • Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

  • Chevrolet
    • Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    • Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
    • Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
    • Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover
      Engine Technology

  • Dodge

    • Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
    • Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
    • Dead or Dying Gas Eater
    • Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express
  • Fiat
    • Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
    • Fix It All the Time
    • Fix it again, Tony!
  • Ford
    • First On Recall Day
    • First On Race Day
    • First On Rust and Deterioration
    • Fix Or Repair Daily
    • Found On Road, Dead
    • Fault Of R&D
    • Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    • Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
    • Found On Russian Dump
  • GM
    • General Maintenance
    • Great Mistake
  • GMC
    • Garage Man’s Companion
    • Got A Mechanic Coming?

  • Honda

    • Had One Never Did Again

  • Hyundai

    • Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive

  • Mazda

    • Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

  • Oldsmobile
    • Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
    • Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

  • Pinto

    • Put In New Transmission Often

  • Pontiac

    • Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac

  • Saab
    • Send Another Automobile Back
    • Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
    • Sorry Arsed Auto Builders

  • Toyota

    • Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

  • Volvo
    • Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
    • Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

  • VW

    • Virtually Worthless

Car Horoscopes

To find out your car’s astrological sign – look for a sticker on the inside of the driver’s side door that gives you the exact month and year the car was manufactured. Car horoscopes are based month to month because they are created and assembled over a period of weeks and not just on one day.

  • Aries (April)
    These cars are among the most reliable you can buy, but they do have aggravating characteristics. They commonly have squealing brakes and may be slow to start in the winter. Paint durability is not the best.
  • Taurus (May)
    Taurean cars are strong, but cooling and electrical systems are troublesome. Engines are more durable than most and withstand considerable abuse. Heaters and air-conditioners are tip-top.
  • Gemini (June)
    Cars manufactured under the sign of the twins tend to lead a dual life, running flawlessly one day and sputtering the next. They are extremely durable however and with a little elbow grease and mechanical know-how, you can keep them on the road forever.
  • Cancer (July)
    Cancer cars tend to be well-crafted and rarely develop squeaks, leaks or rattles. On a low note, performance is middle of the pack and power options are fickle.
  • Leo (August)
    These cars tend to be unreliable and have engine, brake and suspension woes. But they can be a good buy if the price is right and you do very little driving.
  • Virgo (September)
    Cars built under the sign of Virgo are excellent highway cruisers but perform poorly in stop and go traffic. Clutch problems are a real nuisance. Best purchased with an automatic transmission.
  • Libra (October)
    Libran cars are born to run and are top choices for hard-driving teens and hot-rodders. Excellent paint, but leaks and rattles are a given for autos made under the sign of the scales.
  • Scorpio (November)
    These cars combine reliability, performance and durability to rate among the best of all autos. They tend to guzzle more gas than other cars. But they are still considered the “best-bet” for any driver.
  • Sagitarrius (December)
    Sagittarian cars are timid performers regardless of engine size and are slightly less reliable than average. The good news is these autos love long trips, so they are best-suited for people who like to travel. But beware, they tend to be sluggish in city driving.
  • Capricorn (January)
    Look out! Shoddy interiors and premature tire wear mar these otherwise strong performers. Reliable and responsive, Capricorn cars are a good choice if you can afford to keep them in rubber.
  • Aquarius (February)
    Aquarian cars are slick performers and are extremely reliable in the short run. Rust can be a problem and dashboard readouts tend to be inaccurate. These cars are a great buy for people who plan to trade in for a new one every couple of years.
  • Pisces (March)
    Piscean cars are the cream of the cop but require more maintenance than most. Engines and transmissions are always strong performers and brakes are flawless. These cars are an excellent choice for motorists who like to tinker, visit auto parts stores and change their own oil.

Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning

  • Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
  • On the way to the fishin’ hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.
  • Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
  • Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”
  • Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
  • Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
  • “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
  • Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
  • Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.
  • Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.
  • When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

Truth About Car Ads

  • MUST SELL
    ….before it blows up.
  • NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
    ….was blindsided by a Winnebego.
  • LOOKS LIKE NEW
    ….just don’t try to drive it anywhere.
  • ALL ORIGINAL
    ….I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
  • LOADED WITH OPTIONS
    ….each one more troublesome than the next.
  • NEVER SMOKED IN
    ….unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about it.
  • PROJECT CAR
    ….doesn’t run.
  • LOTS OF POTENTIAL
    ….doesn’t run.
  • NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
    …doesn’t run.

How NOT to Pass Your Driver’s Test

  • Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
  • Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “Buckle up!”
  • Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
  • Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
  • When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
  • When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, “Oops.”
  • Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “Now which one is the gas again?”
  • After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
  • Fill your car with beer bottles.
  • The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
  • Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
  • In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
  • Swear at everybody on the road.
  • When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
  • Beep your horn at everything.
  • Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

New Jersey’s TrafficLand

Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”

Driver’s swear ….. are you listenin’,
At the Mall …..folks are bitchin’,
A miserable sight ….. they’re sorry tonite,
Drivin’ in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

Gone away …… are your tires,
meter has …… just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin’ in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We’ll be stuck and threathened on the side,
If we’re lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!

Santa’s sleigh ….. was impounded,
All the Elves …… were surrounded,
He’s now in a cell …. for ringin’ his bell,
Living in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

Accident Excuses

  • My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
  • I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go–so I ran over him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.