Microsoft Buys 1998

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In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by ‘Year-M’ to be followed by actual 1998. “Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change the name, again… people were starting to get confused.”

“Instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998.”

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. “The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to Bill Gates.”

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of ‘Year-M.’ Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into ‘deity conglomerates.’ “Gosh,” said Gates. “They broke up AT&T… why can’t we break up God?”

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: HE doesn’t mind rainy climates, doesn’t need any money, isn’t married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. “If we could just get some employees like that,” Gates lamented, “we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time.”

If Microsoft was Jewish

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  • Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Verklemmt”.
  • When you fill up your “C-drive”, you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.
  • Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Draydles”.
  • Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  • CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).
  • Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
  • “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already – You’re killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn’t hear that!”.
  • When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s toukches”.
  • Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my musical ready!”.
  • During Passover, your PC would not be able to read “leavened floppies”.
  • “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz”.
  • Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that”.
  • When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.
  • When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”.
  • A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmootz” on your monitor.
  • After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Shloofie”
  • Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
  • Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mah-Jong.”
  • Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.
  • After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
  • You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.
  • “Year 2000” issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761” issues.
  • Bill Gates’ official theme song would be “If I Were a Rich Man”.

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft…

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Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

If Bill Gates Wrote a Book on Wicca

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  • The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
  • Iconology would be a major chapter.
  • A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
  • Your broom would crash at least once a week.
  • Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
  • A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
  • A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
  • Every now and then your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
  • If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
  • At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
  • You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle.

Heaven, Hell and Bill Gates

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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 2000. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case; I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”

St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

Building Bill’s House

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Now if I were Bill Gates’ contractor we’d have this discussion…

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.

”

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Sigh. Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it… nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

Bill’s Punishment

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The US Justice Department, unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

“You’ve arrived on a day when I’m in a good mood, so I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.” Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmarted the devil, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best room in the house?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The vintage bottle of wine you see – It has a hole in it. That beautiful young lady – she doesn’t.”

“What about the PC?”

“Oh, If you look carefully, you’ll see that it crashed!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Helping Mr. Bill

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For those who are unaware as yet, your friend and mine Mr Bill Gates was hit in the face with a cream pie while in Brussels recently.

  • “Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”
  • “Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”
  • “Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”
  • “No”
  • “Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?”
  • “Bill Gates”
  • “Country?”
  • “The USA”
  • “Native language?”
  • “English”

  • “Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face
    with a pie?”

  • “Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”
  • “We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”
  • “Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”
  • “Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”
  • “Yes”
  • “Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”
  • “No”
  • “Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”
  • “Yes”
  • “Any pies then?”
  • “No”
  • “Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I’ll wait.”
  • “Just a minute..” <<CLICK>>

The Bill Gates Song

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(To the Tune of “the Christmas Song”)

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!

Everybody knows he’s never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company’s goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?

He knows the world is in his sway,
We’ll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We’ll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He’ll take us anywhere we ask him–for a fee.

And so we’re offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Entries from Bill Gates’ Diary

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  • Invited entire tech support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
  • Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet.
  • The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.
  • Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!
  • Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
  • Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
  • Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
  • Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
  • Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
  • Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
  • Seventh day: Rested.