Criminally Stupid

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FLORIDA: A man stole a 2001 Toyota Camry and in what can only be described as “not a bright move” proceeded to park in a handicapped spot with the stereo blasting.

In his continuing stupidity, after a cop pulled up and told him to move he told the officer he was paying for a phone card and would only be a minute.

While he was in the store the cop ran the plate and then called for backup. The man fought being arrested but was eventually subdued.

Oh yeah, they also found him possession of cocaine. According to jail records, he already was out on bond for nine other charges, including two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

I’m surprised he didn’t just go ahead and hold up the store while he was there.

Cookie Monsters

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Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”

You Just Can’t Fool Them Flies

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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?”

“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s rear, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.”

Top Ten Signs The Police Chief Doesn’t Like You

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  1. He refers to you as “our mascot”.
  2. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
  3. Your locker is also the broom closet.
  4. The job description in your contract includes “crash test dummy” and “pepper-spray test subject”.
  5. He sends you on drug raids – alone.
  6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
  7. He makes up “missing persons” and then sends you to look for them.
  8. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
  9. He lied to you about an “officer exchange program” and put you on a plane to Siberia.
  10. He doesn’t like to be seen with you in public.

A Case for the FBI

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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yeah they did.”

“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

Border Patrol

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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself–I’m going to make it hard for him–and says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.”

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green–I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?”

The Blue Jerk of the Highway

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU
want?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

You May Be A Cop If…

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  • You have the bladder capacity of five people;
  • You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience;
  • You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm;
  • Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change;
  • You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you;
  • You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal;
  • You can identify a negative “tattoo to tooth” ratio just by looking at a person;
  • You find humor in other people’s stupidity;
  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac;
  • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see;
  • You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance;
  • You believe that a “shallow gene pool” should be grounds for an arrest;
  • You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce;
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, it sure is quiet around here”;
  • You refer to your nightstick as your “Dork Slayer”;
  • You believe that chocolate is a food group;
  • You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick;
  • You have wanted to hold a seminar on “Suicide, getting it right the first time;,
  • You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a valid jury verdict;
  • You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably;
  • You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar;
  • You believe the dispatcher is possessed;
  • You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form;
  • You’re not referring to food when you mention vegetables;
  • You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick;
  • You have heard: “I have no idea how that got there,” on more than a few occasions;
  • You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone;
  • You correlate “two beers” with 0.15 BAC;
  • You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car;
  • You believe that it is a “good” death only if it involves overtime;

A True Story from Orange County

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A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no–he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back – and they run down the street to the robbery.

After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door–where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

Hiring an Assassin

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”