Ways NOT To Begin Your Police Report

  • It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …
  • The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent …
  • The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire …
  • Before I get into the details, I’ve got a few “shout-outs” for my homeys in the command staff …
  • It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I’d lost my mind …
  • Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
  • Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly…
  • The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist …
  • A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …

The Revised Miranda Rights

  • Verbal Version 1
    • You have the right to remain motionless,
      or you may elect to run away from me.
      Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to
      chase you down to the ends of the earth.
      You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
      Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate
      will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
      If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race,
      beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your
      intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
      You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
      Good luck. On your mark, get set…. GO!!!!!
  • Verbal Version 2
    • You have the right to swing first. Anything you do
      can and will lead to an ass-kicking.
      You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT
      present at the time of the ass-kicking.
      If you don’t have a priest, one will be appointed
      free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
  • Written Version

      ___ No, I don’t care who you are.
      ___ No, I don’t care who you know.
      ___ Yes… you DO pay my salary.
      ___ Yes… you CAN have my job.
      ___ No, I don’t have anything better to do.
      ___ Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
      ___ No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (ethnic group/race).
      ___ No, I can’t give you a break.
      ___ No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______.
      ___ Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
      ___ Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again.
      ___ No, we can’t talk about it.
      ___ Yes, it DOES make me happy.
      ___ Yes, you WILL see me in court.

    Thank you, have a nice day… TOMORROW!!!

    Your Arresting Officer ________________


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes!'”

“Well, that seems only fair,” laughs the cop. “Ok, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Just Cool Your Heels!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

An Honest Mistake

An man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, flipped him the bird while screaming in frustration that she missed her chance to get through the intersection because of him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!!!”

Halt! You’re Under Arrest!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”

Driver: “I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”

Officer: “May I see the registration for this vehicle?”

Driver: “It’s not my car. I stole it.”

Officer: “The car is stolen?”

Driver: “That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”

Officer: “There’s a gun in the glove box?”

Driver: “Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

Officer: “There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?”

Driver: “Yes, sir.”

Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: “Sir, can I see your license?”

Driver: “Sure. Here it is.”

It was valid.

Captain: “Who’s car is this?”

Driver: “It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.”

The driver owned the car.

Captain: “Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?”

Driver: “Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.”

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.”

Driver: “No problem.”

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.”

Driver: “And I bet he told you I was speeding, too!”

Funny Police Quotes

  • “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
  • “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  • “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
  • “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
  • “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  • “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
  • “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  • “Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
  • “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
  • “Just how big were those two beers?
  • “In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

Field Sobriety Test

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

The Dyslexic Cop

A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. “How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!” screams the captain.

The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his two way radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly.

“One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”

“That’s good,” thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.

“One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”

“I am doing great!” says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head.

“One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L … B-L-U …B-O-L-L … B-I-L …”

Finally, the frustrated cop looks around, then kicks the head with his boot, and writes, “One head in the D-I-T-C-H.”