A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”
Driver: “I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
Officer: “May I see the registration for this vehicle?”
Driver: “It’s not my car. I stole it.”
Officer: “The car is stolen?”
Driver: “That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”
Officer: “There’s a gun in the glove box?”
Driver: “Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”
Officer: “There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?”
Driver: “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: “Sir, can I see your license?”
Driver: “Sure. Here it is.”
It was valid.
Captain: “Who’s car is this?”
Driver: “It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.”
The driver owned the car.
Captain: “Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?”
Driver: “Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.”
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.”
Driver: “No problem.”
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.”
Driver: “And I bet he told you I was speeding, too!”
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.
“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.
“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”
“What’s a circle fly?”
“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”
“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s rear, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.
“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.”
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”
Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper’s position…
Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”