You May Be A Cop If… | The Joke Archives

You have the bladder capacity of five people;
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience;
You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm;
Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change;
You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you;
You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal;
You can identify a negative “tattoo to tooth” ratio just by looking at a person;
You find humor in other people’s stupidity;
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac;
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see;
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance;
You believe that a “shallow gene pool” should be grounds for an arrest;
You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce;
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, it sure is quiet around here”;
You refer to your nightstick as your “Dork Slayer”;
You believe that chocolate is a food group;
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick;
You have wanted to hold a seminar on “Suicide, getting it right the first time;,
You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a valid jury verdict;
You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably;
You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar;
You believe the dispatcher is possessed;
You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form;
You’re not referring to food when you mention vegetables;
You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick;
You have heard: “I have no idea how that got there,” on more than a few occasions;
You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone;
You correlate “two beers” with 0.15 BAC;
You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car;
You believe that it is a “good” death only if it involves overtime;