• After dark, all cats are jaguars…
• Never *ever* try to baptize a cat.
• Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get a cat to pull a sled.
• A cat knows your every thought. It doesn’t care. But it knows.
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I will put shoes on my cat …
• Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That’s the horror of it …
• Never try to out stubborn a cat.
• Thousands of years ago, humans worshiped the cat. They have not forgotten this…
• Whenever I bathe my cat, it takes an hour to get the fur off of my tongue.
• I prefer to live with Feline Sapiens, thank you very much.
• (picture of a fat tabby on a couch, looking at his owner) “My species domesticated your species…”

• Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
• Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
• Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
• Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
• Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
• Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
• Does your cat sleep on your head?
  Do you like it?
• Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
• Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
• Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
• Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
• Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
• Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
• Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
• Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?
• Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
• Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?
• Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?
• When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?
• Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?
• Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?
• Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?
• At the store, do you pick out the catfood before you pick out anything for yourself?
• Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
• Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?
• Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?
• Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?
• Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
• Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
• Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
• When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
• Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
• When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?
• Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

• Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.
• Cats don’t like being baptized.
• Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
• A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
• A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.
• A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.
• Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.
• Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
• Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.
• Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.
• Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
• It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.
• Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of groceries.
• You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.

“Cats” is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America’s most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, “Cats” doesn’t seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what “Cats” would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

• Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
• The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
• Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not — depending on their mood.
• Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
• When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
• In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
• For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
• A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
• Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
• Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
• Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
• The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
• Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and — well, we don’t have to draw a picture here, do we?
• The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to “bathe” themselves.
• Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
• The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
• Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
• Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.