Mistaken Identity

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Ole was sitting at the bar, getting pretty sloshed, and mentioned something about Lena being out in the car. After quite a while, the bartender became concerned about Lena, as it was cold out, and went outside to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw Ole’s buddy, Sven, really going at it with Lena.

The bartender shook his head and returned to the bar. He walked over to Ole and told him that he thought it might be a good idea to run out to the car and check on Lena.

Ole staggered off the barstool, went outside to the car, and sure enough, there were Sven and Lena, still going at it. Ole walks back into the bar, laughing and laughing.

The bartender asked him what was so funny. Ole said, “That damned Sven! He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

Male Date Rape Drug

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Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from a woman.

A new date rape drug on the market, called “beer”, is being used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is available almost anywhere. “Beer” is sometimes used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no-strings attached sex. Men are helpless against this approach: After several “beers” men often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts with women to whom they would usually not be attracted. Men often awaken after being given “beer” with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before, just a vague feeling something bad occurred.

Some unfortunate men report having been trapped in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” Apparently men are easy victims for this scam after “beer” is administered and they’ve been sexually approached previously.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you should fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women plying it, there are male Support groups in most towns where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly-affected, like-minded guys.

I Watched An Ant…

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I watched an ant
climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top,
his weight bent the blade
down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax
with insectile precision,
he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner,
He traveled across the lawn,
covering as much distance vertically
as he did horizontally,
which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once,
I had what is sometimes
called an “epiphany”,
a moment of heightened awareness
in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant
on my hands and knees,
I suddenly knew
what I had to do…

Quit drinking before noon.

Housecleaning

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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar, and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else.

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Good Catch!

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A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

A Golden Toilet?

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There was this guy, let’s call him Mike. One night Mike went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Mike was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he thought, “Wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “Do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?”

And the bartender said to another person that was there, “Hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”

How to Have Fun with Beer Coasters

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  1. Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.
  2. Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.
  3. Insert a $10 bill and reseal.
  4. Return to bar.
  5. Place beer coaster under glass.
  6. Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.
  7. Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the advertisements on TV and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden $10 bills in their coasters.
  8. Keep arguing about whether it’s true or not until everyone in the bar knows what you’re talking about.
  9. Tear open some beer coasters; look depressed.
  10. Partially tear open the one with the $10 bill in it.
  11. Shout, “I’ve won ! I’ve won”, and wave the tenner still wedged in the beer coaster around.
  12. Watch every coaster in the bar get destroyed.

The 5 Stages of Male Drunkeness

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  • Stage 1: Smart
    This is when he suddenly becomes an expert on every subject in the known universe. He knows he knows everything, and wants to pass his knowledge on to anyone who will listen. At this stage, he is *always* right. And, of course, the person he is talking to is very *wrong*. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are *smart*.

  • Stage 2: Good-Looking
    This is when he realizes that he is *the* best-looking man in the entire bar (and possibly on the entire planet), and that all women fancy him. He can approach a perfect stranger knowing she fancies him and really wants to talk to him. Bear in mind that he is still *smart*, so he can talk to her about any subject under the sun.

  • Stage 3: Rich
    This is when he suddenly becomes the richest person in the world. He can buy drinks for the entire bar because he has an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. He can also make bets at this stage, because of course he’s still *smart*, so naturally, he will win all bets. It doesn’t matter how much he bets, because he is *rich*. He will also buy drinks for every woman he fancies, because he is also now the best-looking man in the universe.

  • Stage 4: Invincible
    He is now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom he has been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt him. At this point, he can also approach the partners of the women he fancies, and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. He can *especially* approach the partners of lesbians he fancies, because he *knows* he is just the man to turn the hot, sexy, inaccessible lesbian partner into a heterosexual. He has no fear of losing this battle, because he is *smart*, and *rich*, and, hell! he’s better-looking than any of these losers!

  • Stage 5: Invisible
    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point, he can do anything, because no one can see him. He dances on tables to impress the women he fancies, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see him. He is also invisible to the angry lesbian who wants to bash his skull in with a pool cue. He can walk through the street singing at the top of his lungs because no one can see or hear him, and because he is still *smart*, and *rich*, and — oh, hell, you know the rest.

One Night in a Bar

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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Drugs and Side Effects

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  • Ecstasy
    How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.

    How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting and will probably get you beaten.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe”.

    How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.

    Embarrassment rating: 60% Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. Isn’t that a bitch? This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.

  • Marijuana
    How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.

    How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen. Or at least you can believe it can happen.

    How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that Chinese Buffet.

    Embarrassment rating: 10% You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.

  • Alcohol
    How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.

    How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date. The likely hood of you spilling your cookies or pissing your pants increases with each drink.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 90% Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.

    How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.

    Embarrassment rating: 110% Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.

  • Cocaine
    How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.

    How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow. <sniffle>

    Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it.

    How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.

    Embarrassment rating: 0% if there’s more coke in the drawer. 90% if there isn’t.

  • Acid or Shrooms
    How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a good show.

    How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.

    Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother. You may break your dick (or his) as the likelyhood of you realizing that your skivvies are off is Zero.

    How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Chaucer’s “The Norton Anthology.”

    Embarrassment rating: 0% You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night (even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.