- If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
- If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn’t work with their hooks.
- If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
- If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.
- If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..??
- If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
“Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
- If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
- If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
- If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?
- If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
- If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
- If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
- If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
- If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
- If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
- If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
- If K-Tel ran Christmas…
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
- If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
Category Archives: Workplace
Brown Nose Required
Applications are invited for the position of Departmental Brown Nose.
It is common practice in the computing industry for senior members of staff to have their planning strategies subject to positive evaluation. This is commonly referred to outside the industry as ‘being sucked up to’. This practice is typically performed by a person of low or irrelevant technical standing wishing to distinguish themselves by their presence and input at meetings for which they have a minimal or no understanding. Complimenting and Agreeing with senior staff and their poorly thought-out plans is the typical implementation of this position. The position is typically advertised under a job-pseudonym and regraded without notification by other members of staff, usually at a departmental social function to which the applicant is not invited.
- Applicants are to be familiar with the following phrases:
- Really? That’s a great idea!
- Oh, I agree wholeheartedly!
- That’s such a good plan, it’s surprising that no-one thought of it before!
- You know, without you this place would fall apart!
- Of course, he’s bound to say that because he’s not as aware of the full ramifications of the problem as we are.
- Is this far enough up?
- Applicants should have relevant experience in:
- Work Avoidance
- Evading Real Issues
- Vocalizing the word “Yes”
- Applicants should NOT possess any of the following:
- Social Skills
- Technical Competence, except in remembering irrelevant facts
- The sense God gave the common doormat
- Applicants MUST possess the following:
- A “gushy” affirmative manner
- The “Chameleon Factor” — the ability to assume the characteristics and mannerisms of senior staff
- An immunity to RSI of the jaw and ear (due to the large amount of talking and listening in place of working and producing)
- A diehard loyal attitude which cannot be swayed, except by other senior staff, absence of senior staff, public opinion, office-bribery, an unfavorable comment at the office party, an invite to the office party or invite to clean up after an office party.
- Exceptionally high morals which will not be swayed except by public opinion, office-bribery, senior staff, office party comments & invites or the possibility of getting their photo or name in some technical journal.
Homing skills allowing the applicant to orbit senior staff and thereby avoid the unlikely event of having to produce work output.
- A working knowledge of Anal Interfacing would be beneficial.
The future of the position is similar in an least one respect to the senior staff member reported to, in that it is ‘open-ended’. It is dependent entirely upon performance, but a successful applicant might expect salary increases for no appreciable performance improvement, several extra important-sounding position titles, and business cards to reflect the multitude of managerial positions that they will assume.
The salary scale is expected to be within the range of ludicrously-overpaid to how-do-they-get-away-with-this?
Applications should be made on the toilet paper assigned and be accompanied by the applicants CV (which should detail only the applicants name and address) and a 2 page essay on why this advertisement was exceptionally well written and how we appoint such exceptional personel officers.
Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia
Things Not to Say or Do at a Job Interview
- See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
- Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
- Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
- After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
- Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
- Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for- ‘2000 Flushes’
- Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
- Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
- Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
- Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
- Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
- Ask a secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during interview.
- Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
- When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout, “You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?”, and run out of the room.
- Sniff two of your fingers, hold out toward interviewer, and ask; ‘Smell these, these smell funny to you???’
- Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
The Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
- “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy — I was just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of ‘Freebird’.”
- “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you’re on.”
- “We’re *open* on Tuesdays?!?”
- “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”
- “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.”
- “My proctologist got stuck.”
- “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the last hour swimming.”
- “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.”
- “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on crystal meth as I am.”
- “Sorry, Sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”
- “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”
- “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.”
- “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box of ten donuts.”
- “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning… Sir.”
- “My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by ‘my dog’ I mean your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”
- “These are not the ‘droids you’re looking for.”
Right for the Job
Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test.
Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.
- If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.
- If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.
- If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.
- If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the help desk.
- If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing.
- If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.
- If they are sleeping, they are management material.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team.
- If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security.
- If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.
Office Procedures for Storms
Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings
As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the firm’s guidelines based upon the hurricane’s intensity:
- Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.
- Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.
- Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.
- Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.
- Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.
Have A Nice Day!
A Corollary Bypass
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.
Time is Money and as everyone knows, Power is Work divided by Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P
T = M
P = W/T
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
- Put W/T in for P in the first equation, which yields:
K = W/T
- Put M in for T into a new equation, which yields:
K = W/M
Now we’ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
What this MEANS is that:
- The More You Know, the More Work You Do,
- The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K
From this last equation we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
Solving for Work, we get:
W = M x K
From this equation we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
Rules of Work
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
- If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
- If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
- If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
- If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
- If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
- Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
- Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
- Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
- Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I am not here for the money anyway.
New Employee Manual
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
The Company has an optional overtime policy – you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO’s son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
- Stock Options
You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you’ll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
This is how much money you’ll lose under your “Stock Option” plan.
- Hellth Plan
No, that isn’t a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for “Hell’s Medical Organization.” It was organized by some of Hell’s finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
- You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally – as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don’t forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
- You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician’s name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
- You are not covered under this plan.
All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a “grace period” to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
May be made anonymously in the box marked “Complaints” in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
Laws of Work
- If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
- Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
- If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- Following the rules will not get the job done.
- Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.