How about never? Is never good for you?
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Illiterate? Write for Help!
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Character is like a fence – it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
Grandma’s advice: Do your best and leave the rest.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
The measure of a man’s intelligence is inversely proportional to the amount of time he keeps his mouth open.
The trouble with staying at home is you never find out just how good it is to get back.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like ‘the force’. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.
someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.
you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.
you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
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