Chain Letter Fertilizer Club

Dear Friend:

This letter is being sent to you because I know you are interested in having a beautiful lawn this summer. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost you one cent. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on the lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don’t be embarrassed.

Make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns.

You will not get any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,216 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next summer when you have the greenest lawn in the neighborhood.

  • Mrs. Ima Enama
    15 W. Sore Hinne Rd.
    Seapwater Gap, PA
  • Mrs. Max Stink
    1605 Grunt’n’Groan Ave.
    Forcet, DE
  • Mr. Harry Butt
    236 Corn Cob Alley
    Flushing, NY
  • Mrs. Lucy Bowells
    452 Diahrrea Dr.
    Runnytown, PA
  • Mrs. Tom Tightsqueeze
    697 Grunt Ave.
    Movement, IL
  • Mrs. Opal Crapp
    2255 Enema Dr.
    Clearview, FL
  • Mr. Howie Fartz
    Constipation Blvd.
    Squeezethru, NY
  • Mrs. Smelly Buttz
    935 Bed Pan Alley
    Emptyit, MD
  • Mr. Charles Syringe
    2 Suppository Lane
    Smellytown, OR
  • Mrs. I. Doitdaily
    365 Hopperseat Rd.
    Manurepile, MA
  • Mr. G. Howett Smells
    117 Foreign Matters Bl.
    Stinkerville, MS
  • Mrs. Kelly B. Hind
    428 Gashouse Rd.
    Oily Flats, PA
  • Mrs. A Biggermovement
    53 Rectum Pl.
    Rearview, FL
  • Mrs. B. Poopado
    Out House Lane
    Scoupditch, PA

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this on to your neighbor… Do not break the chain. One man didn’t give a shit and he lost his

entire lawn.

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

  • Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  • Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  • Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
  • Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
  • Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  • On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  • Shave.
  • Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
  • Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
  • Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  • Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
  • Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  • One word: Flatulence!
  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
  • Do Tai Chi exercises.
  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
  • When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
  • Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  • Meow occasionally.
  • Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  • Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
  • Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  • Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
  • Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
  • Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
  • Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  • Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
  • Leave a box between the doors.
  • Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  • Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
  • Start a singalong.
  • When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “Is that your cell phone?”
  • Play the harmonica.
  • Shadow box.
  • Say “Ding!” at each floor.
  • Lean against the button panel.
  • Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
  • Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
  • Bring a chair along.
  • Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
  • Blow spit bubbles.
  • Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  • Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  • Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  • Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  • Wear “XRay Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  • Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
  • If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
  • Get on a crowded elevator on a reasonably high floor. Without saying a word, press every button, turn to the other passengers, and grin maniacally. Get off *one* floor below the the one you got on, then hurry and take the stairs down so you can meet the elevator on the next floor. When the door opens, flash the same grin and say, “You were talking about me…weren’t you?”
  • Another good thing to do in an elevator, is to start talking about the movie SPEED or humming the theme from it. Generally works best in express elevators.
  • In a crowded elevator, bring a calculator and add up peoples weights, then inform them politely that they are over capacity.
  • Charge addmission.
  • Ask if someone will hold your hand.
  • Bring a friend and trade shoes, hats, coats etc.
  • Pass out gum and see who can blow the biggest bubble.
  • Bow to each passenger.
  • Have someone tie your sleeves in back of you.
  • Gargle.
  • Floss, and then offer your floss to others politely
  • Ask if someone has any gum, if they do, give it to the next passenger
  • Bring a walkman and sing along to Weird Al.
  • Smack your gum.
  • Bring a friend and have a belching contest.
  • Ball room dance if it’s a big elevator.
  • Read the dictionary.
  • Collect tips.

How to Handle Stress

  • Jam 39 miniature marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
  • Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
  • Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
  • Dance naked in front of your pets.
  • Tattoo “OUT TO LUNCH” on your forehead.
  • Buy a subscription to Sleazoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
  • Relaxing by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the “Flintstones” during an important finance meeting.
  • Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
  • Refresh yourself; put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
  • Tell your boss to blow it out his mule, and let him figure it out.
  • Polish your car with earwax.
  • Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
  • Lie on your back; eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
  • Make a tape recording of a lion roaring and play it while frolicking with your kitten in front of the neighbors.
  • Ask your neighbor if anything got broken in last night’s earth quake.
  • Ride up the escalator facing backwards.
  • Write a letter to the editor condemning scientists for trying to wipe out whole species like the AIDs virus.
  • Phone the minister of finance and demand a tax increase.
  • Send a letter of resignation from your boss to your boss’ boss.
  • Write your boss’ resume and submit it to various headhunters.
  • Phone your dentist and tell him you’ve changed your mind, you want that wisdom tooth back.
  • Tell your husband/wife he/she was adopted. <duh, huh?>
  • Phone the university and report that you are an extraterrestrial and would they volunteer to return to your home planet.
  • Phone any government agency and ask them “So just what is it you people do all day anyway?”

How to Annoy Someone in the Bathroom

  • Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
  • Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
  • Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  • Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
  • Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
  • Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
  • Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  • Say, “Now how did that get there?”
  • Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
  • Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
  • Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
  • Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
  • Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
  • Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  • Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
  • Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
  • Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  • Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  • Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
  • Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.