Category Archives: Microsoft/Bill Gates

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft…

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Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

If Bill Gates Wrote a Book on Wicca

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  • The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
  • Iconology would be a major chapter.
  • A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
  • Your broom would crash at least once a week.
  • Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
  • A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
  • A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
  • Every now and then your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
  • If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
  • At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
  • You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle.

Heaven, Hell and Bill Gates

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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 2000. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case; I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”

St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

Building Bill’s House

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Now if I were Bill Gates’ contractor we’d have this discussion…

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.

”

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Sigh. Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it… nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

Bill’s Punishment

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The US Justice Department, unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

“You’ve arrived on a day when I’m in a good mood, so I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.” Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmarted the devil, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best room in the house?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The vintage bottle of wine you see – It has a hole in it. That beautiful young lady – she doesn’t.”

“What about the PC?”

“Oh, If you look carefully, you’ll see that it crashed!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Helping Mr. Bill

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For those who are unaware as yet, your friend and mine Mr Bill Gates was hit in the face with a cream pie while in Brussels recently.

  • “Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”
  • “Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”
  • “Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”
  • “No”
  • “Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?”
  • “Bill Gates”
  • “Country?”
  • “The USA”
  • “Native language?”
  • “English”

  • “Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face
    with a pie?”

  • “Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”
  • “We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”
  • “Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”
  • “Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”
  • “Yes”
  • “Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”
  • “No”
  • “Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”
  • “Yes”
  • “Any pies then?”
  • “No”
  • “Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I’ll wait.”
  • “Just a minute..” <<CLICK>>

The Bill Gates Song

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(To the Tune of “the Christmas Song”)

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!

Everybody knows he’s never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company’s goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?

He knows the world is in his sway,
We’ll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We’ll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He’ll take us anywhere we ask him–for a fee.

And so we’re offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Entries from Bill Gates’ Diary

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  • Invited entire tech support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
  • Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet.
  • The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.
  • Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!
  • Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
  • Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
  • Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
  • Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
  • Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
  • Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
  • Seventh day: Rested.

Will the Real Bill Gates.. Please Stand Up!

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The real name of “the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

  • B — 66
  • I — 73
  • L — 76
  • L — 76
  • G — 71
  • A — 65
  • T — 84
  • E — 69
  • S — 83
  • I — 1
  • I — 1
  • I — 1
  • Add them all together and you get… 666!

Some might ask, “How did Bill Gates get so powerful?” Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement??? Before you decide, consider the following:

MS – DOS 6.21 = 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

WINDOWS 95 = 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Billy Gates Goes to Summer Camp

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Dear Jenny,

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni).

Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy’s letters.

  • Dear Mom,
    The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mom,
    Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.

    Love, Billy.

    P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked, too.

    Dear Mom,
    Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.

    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mom,
    I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mother,
    Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.

    Signed, Bill.

    Dear Mother,
    How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.

    Regards, Bill.

    Mother,
    Stop treating me like a child. True… physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again, and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

    Sincerely, Bill.

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. What can I do, Jenny? I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent