Category Archives: For/About Women

Hints for Choosing a Husband

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When choosing a mate, compare these other professionals to Engineers

  • DOCTORS
    Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

  • LAWYER
    Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

  • SALESMAN
    See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Jerry Springer show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

  • HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker, Etc
    Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

  • TEACHER
    The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

  • MINISTER
    See Teacher and substitute the word “girls” with “boys”.

Why Chocolate is Better than Sex

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  • You can GET chocolate.
  • “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
  • Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  • You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  • You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  • You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  • If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
  • Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
  • The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
  • You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  • You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
  • You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  • With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
  • Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
  • You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
  • Good chocolate is easy to find.
  • You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  • You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
  • When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
  • With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

Upgrading to Boyfriend 4.0

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Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hog and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1.

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

  • An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don’t have to repeat myself)
  • MINIMIZE BUTTON
  • SHUTDOWN FEATURE
  • SHOPPING FUNCTION
  • A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won’t fall asleep after sex
  • A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
  • DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
  • A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it’s uninstalled it won’t come back
  • A MONOGAMY FEATURE
  • AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they’re about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid

Bedtime Prayer for Women

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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
He’s not afraid to admit it when he’s wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won’t lose his cool when he’s annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, “How fat is my behind?”

One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin’.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.

Thank You in advance and now I’ll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it’s too late.

Amen.

Basic Instructions for Women 101

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  • Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
  • Don’t imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers
  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
  • So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
  • If they put a man on the moon – why can’t they put them all there?
  • Tell him you are not his type – you have a pulse.
  • Never let your man’s mind wander – it is too little to be let out alone.
  • Go for younger men – you might as well, they never mature anyway.
  • Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  • Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
  • The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
  • Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  • A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night.’
  • Sadly, all men are created equal.
  • Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
  • The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of ‘former boyfriend.’
  • There are lots of words to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you can still use them.

A Woman’s Little Instruction Book

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  • If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.
  • Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
  • The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.
  • Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
  • A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
  • If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
  • Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
  • A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
  • Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
  • Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
  • Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
  • There are a lot of words you can use to describe men — strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you can still use them.
  • Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
  • Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
  • There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop” (unless they’re used together).
  • Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
  • If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
  • All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
  • If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
  • Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car. Once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don’t know where it goes.

Ages of a Woman

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  • Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.
  • Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Cheerleader or, if she is PMSing, sees Fat, Pimples, UGLY! (“But MOM!!! I can’t go to school today looking like THIS!”)
  • Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “Too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” but decides she is going anyway.
  • Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, she is going anyway.
  • Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” and says “At least I am clean” and goes anyway.
  • Age 50: Looks at herself and says, “I am.” and goes wherever she wants to go.
  • Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
  • Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability. Goes out and enjoys life.
  • Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to do anything she damn well pleases. (That is if she’s still physically capable of doing so.)

100 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Woman

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  1. We can get laid anytime we want
  2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
  3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you’re drunk
  4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
  5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
  6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
  7. We get to shop at Victoria’s Secret
  8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
  9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
  10. Men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
  11. Men light our cigarettes for us
  12. Men hold the door open for us
  13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
  14. We’re cuter
  15. We lie better
  16. We’re better manipulators
  17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
  18. We always have food in the fridge
  19. We don’t worry about losing our hair
  20. We always get to choose the movie
  21. We don’t have to mow the lawn
  22. We don’t have to take out the garbage
  23. We don’t have to paint the house or walls
  24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
  25. Cosmopolitan
  26. We can con our way out of anything – not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
  27. Men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
  28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
  29. Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
  30. We can masturbate more in a day than men
  31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
  32. We don’t have to constantly adjust our genitals
  33. Sweat is sexy on us
  34. We never run out of excuses
  35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
  36. Doggie style – that way we get to watch the game too
  37. We get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
  38. We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
  39. We can give “the look” that will make any man want to cower in the corner
  40. Women are cleaner
  41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn’t know)
  42. We’re better arguers
  43. We don’t always have to think with our genitals
  44. Massage!!!!
  45. We’re better parents
  46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
  47. There’s never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
  48. We’re flexible
  49. When women get pissed we don’t destroy property or hurt people – we just take it out on the world in general because we can
  50. Menopause- thank god we’re not capable of having children after we’re 50
  51. Menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say “no” to sex
  52. Men in uniform
  53. There is no penis envy
  54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there’s no messy clean-up
  55. It generally takes us less to get drunk
  56. We have a higher tolerance to pain
  57. We often get to cut in line
  58. Most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON’T
  59. Better tips
  60. Women who don’t wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
  61. We have mastered civilized eating – we don’t embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
  62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting – thank god for long pants and perfume!
  63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
  64. We don’t have excessive amounts of body hair
  65. We don’t spend 45 minutes on the toilet
  66. Men will pay us for sex
  67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn’t make us sterile
  68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
  69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
  70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
  71. Women sweat less
  72. Women smell better
  73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don’t have to waste money on flowers or cards – a blowjob and sex fixes all
  74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
  75. Women don’t get the humor in the three stooges
  76. Women have three accessible holes
  77. We don’t get embarrassed when buying tampons
  78. We’re better gossips
  79. We have better fashion sense
  80. We’re better shoppers
  81. We don’t have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
  82. Our friends don’t pick on us if we aren’t sleeping with anyone
  83. Men don’t know what our ‘girl talk’ is all about (and I’m not gonna tell you)
  84. We’re all sitting on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
  85. We don’t have to drive when on a date
  86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable – ugly men are just fucked
  87. Women can use the old “that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn” line
  88. Women know how fake it
  89. Women look better naked
  90. We know that rhythm doesn’t only pertain to dancing
  91. When women are short, we’re petite, when men are short, they’re just short
  92. Women do less time for violent crime
  93. Women don’t have to worry about not being able to get it up
  94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
  95. Women’s conversations generally consist of more than just “uh huh, yep, ok, then bye”
  96. Women don’t need an excuse to be in a bad mood
  97. Women never have to see combat
  98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
  99. Women are sexier
  100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

10 Ways to Know You Have PMS

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  1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
  2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
  3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
  4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
  5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, “How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-dating.”
  6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
  7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
  8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
  9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
  10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.