- Visitors
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. - Barking
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark — a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark… - Licking
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. - Holes
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. - Doors
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. - The Art Of Sniffing
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them. - Dining Etiquette
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing. - Housebreaking
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. - Going For Walks
Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. - Couches
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. - Playing
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself. - Chasing Cats
When chasing cats, make sure you never–quite–catch them. It spoils all the fun. - Chewing
Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.
Category Archives: Dogs
New Year’s Resolutions for Dogs
- Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
- Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
- I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
- Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
- Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
- Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
- Always scoot before licking.
- Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
- January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.
- I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
Famous Dog Quotes
- “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
— Gene Hill - “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
— Dave Barry - “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
— Groucho Marx. - “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
— Robert Benchley - “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
— Sue Murphy - “Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?”
— Unknown - “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”
— Unknown - “I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.”
— August Strindberg - “No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”
— Fran Lebowitz - “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul– chicken, pork,
half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!”
— Anne Tyler - “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
— Rita Rudner - “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.”
— Joe Weinstein - “Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
— Unknown - “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.”
— James Thurber - “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
— Ann Landers - “Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
— Robert A. Heinlein - “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him.”
— Dereke Bruce - “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
— Ben Williams - “Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
— Unknown - “Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail..”
— Unknown - “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
— Christopher Morley - “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”
— Josh Billings - “Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”
— Holbrook Jackson - “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
— Andrew A. Rooney - “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
— Mark Twain - “I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.”
— Abraham Lincoln - “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”
— Unknown - “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
— Mark Twain - “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans
are nuts.”
— John Steinbeck - “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.”
— Aldous Huxley - “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
— Edward Abbey - “He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.”
— Unknown
Dog Property Laws
- If I like it, it’s mine.
- If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
- If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
- If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
- If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
- If I saw it first, it’s mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
- If it’s broken, it’s yours.
A Dog’s Poem
The dogs they had a meeting.
And they come from near and far.
Some came on bicycles,
And some of them came by car.
Y’know, before they could enter,
Or even take a look,
They had to take their asshole off,
And hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
Every mother, pup, and sire,
An old dog hollered from the back,
“Run for your life. It’s a FIRE!”
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
And nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the nearest asshole,
Off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
A dog will drop a nice juicy bone,
And go to smell another dog’s ass,
To see if it’s not his own.
Doggie Pledge
- I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
- I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
- The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
- I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not eat other animals’ poop.
- I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
- I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.
- “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
- I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
- I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
- I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel.
- Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
- I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
- Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?
- Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
- Dachshund: I can’t reach the lamp!
- Toy Poodle: I’ll just talk sweet to the Border collie and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
- Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!
- Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?
- Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
- Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
- Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
- Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
- Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
- Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…
- Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
- Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
- Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Dog Letters to God
- Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking?
- Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
- Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
- Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
- Dear God, When my foster mom’s friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What’s he been rolling around in?
- Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps?
- Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
- Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
- Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
- Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
- Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
- Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
- Dear God, I’ve always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don’t. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
- Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me ‘cuz they think I’m jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I’m innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?
Dog Haiku
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds — I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy — come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man — come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot — no greater bliss — well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.
The cat is not all
Bad –she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.
Dig under the fence–why?
Because it is there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
Why Dogs are Better than Girlfriends
- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
- Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
- Dogs think you sing great.
- A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
- Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
- Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
- Dogs love red meat.
- Anyone can get a good looking dog.
- If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
- Dogs don’t shop.
- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
- A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.
- Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
- A dog’s parents never visit.
- Dogs love long car trips.
- Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
- Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.
- Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
- No dog ever bought Kenny G, Yanni, or Barbra Streisand albums.
- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
- Dogs never criticize.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- Dogs never expect gifts.
- Dogs don’t worry about germs.
- Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.
- Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
- Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
- You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.
- Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
- Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
- Dogs aren’t catty.
- Dogs seldom outlive you.