Fractured Dictionary

  • Arbitrator ar’-bi-tray-ter:
    A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
  • Avoidable uh-voy’-duh-buhl:
    What a bullfighter tries to do
  • Baloney buh-lo’-nee:
    Where some hemlines fall
  • Bernadette burn’-a-det:
    The act of torching a mortgage
  • Burglarize bur’-gler-ize:
    What a crook sees with
  • Control kon-trol’:
    A short, ugly inmate
  • Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers:
    Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  • Eclipse i-klips’:
    what an English barber does for a living
  • Eyedropper i’-drop-ur:
    a clumsy ophthalmologist
  • Heroes hee’-rhos:
    what a guy in a boat does
  • Left Bank left’ bangk’:
    what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
  • Misty mis’-tee:
    How golfers create divots
  • Paradox par’-uh-doks:
    two physicians
  • Parasites par’-uh-sites:
    what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
  • Pharmacist farm’-uh-sist:
    a helper on the farm
  • Polarize po’-lur-ize:
    what penguins see with
  • Primate pri’-mat:
    removing your spouse from in front of the TV
  • Relief ree-leef’:
    what trees do in the spring
  • Rubberneck rub’-er-nek:
    what you do to relax your wife
  • Seamstress seem’-stres:
    describes 250 pounds in a size six
  • Selfish sel’-fish:
    what the owner of a seafood store does
  • Subdued sub-dood’:
    like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
  • Sudafed sood’-a-fed:
    bringing litigation against a government official

Foreign Phrases with a Twist

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression:

  • Rigor Morris:
    The cat is dead.
  • Respondez S’il Vois Plaid:
    Honk if you’re Scottish
  • Harlez-vous Francais?:
    Can you drive a French motorcycle?
  • Veni, Vipi, Vici:
    I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered
  • Veni, Vidi, Visa:
    I came, I saw, I shopped.
  • Cogito Eggo Sum:
    I think, therefore I am … a waffle
  • Que Sera Serf:
    Life is feudal
  • Leroi est Mort. Jive Leroi:
    The king is dead. No kidding
  • Post Mortem:
    Death styles of the rich and famous
  • Pro Bozo Publico:
    Support your local clown
  • Monage a Trois:
    I am three years old
  • Haste Cuisine:
    Fast French food
  • Quip Pro Quo:
    A fast retort
  • Aloha Oy:
    Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
  • Mazel Ton:
    Tons of luck
  • Visa la France:
    Don’t leave your chateau without it
  • Carne Diem:
    Seize the meat