Tag Archives: women

Bridge Building

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.” This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish”

The man sat and thought about it for awhile and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel No, think of another wish.”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say nothing….know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

Bedtime Prayer for Women

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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
He’s not afraid to admit it when he’s wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won’t lose his cool when he’s annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, “How fat is my behind?”

One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin’.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.

Thank You in advance and now I’ll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it’s too late.

Amen.

A Woman’s Little Instruction Book

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  • If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.
  • Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
  • The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.
  • Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
  • A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
  • If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
  • Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
  • A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
  • Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
  • Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
  • Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
  • There are a lot of words you can use to describe men — strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you can still use them.
  • Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
  • Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
  • There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop” (unless they’re used together).
  • Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
  • If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
  • All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
  • If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
  • Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car. Once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don’t know where it goes.

Ages of a Woman

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  • Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.
  • Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Cheerleader or, if she is PMSing, sees Fat, Pimples, UGLY! (“But MOM!!! I can’t go to school today looking like THIS!”)
  • Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “Too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” but decides she is going anyway.
  • Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, she is going anyway.
  • Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, hair too straight, hair too curly” and says “At least I am clean” and goes anyway.
  • Age 50: Looks at herself and says, “I am.” and goes wherever she wants to go.
  • Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
  • Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability. Goes out and enjoys life.
  • Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to do anything she damn well pleases. (That is if she’s still physically capable of doing so.)

Advice for Women

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  • You can’t change a man — unless he’s in diapers.
  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
  • If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
  • Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
  • Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
  • Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  • Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
  • Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  • The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
  • If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him the checkbook.
  • Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
  • Sadly, all men are created equal.

Advice from Men to Women

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  • Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
  • If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
  • Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
  • Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
  • Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
  • Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
  • The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
  • When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
  • What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view.
  • When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary.
  • When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
  • The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
  • SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
  • Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  • If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  • You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
  • It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

100 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Woman

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  1. We can get laid anytime we want
  2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
  3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you’re drunk
  4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
  5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
  6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
  7. We get to shop at Victoria’s Secret
  8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
  9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
  10. Men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
  11. Men light our cigarettes for us
  12. Men hold the door open for us
  13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
  14. We’re cuter
  15. We lie better
  16. We’re better manipulators
  17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
  18. We always have food in the fridge
  19. We don’t worry about losing our hair
  20. We always get to choose the movie
  21. We don’t have to mow the lawn
  22. We don’t have to take out the garbage
  23. We don’t have to paint the house or walls
  24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
  25. Cosmopolitan
  26. We can con our way out of anything – not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
  27. Men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
  28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
  29. Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
  30. We can masturbate more in a day than men
  31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
  32. We don’t have to constantly adjust our genitals
  33. Sweat is sexy on us
  34. We never run out of excuses
  35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
  36. Doggie style – that way we get to watch the game too
  37. We get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
  38. We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
  39. We can give “the look” that will make any man want to cower in the corner
  40. Women are cleaner
  41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn’t know)
  42. We’re better arguers
  43. We don’t always have to think with our genitals
  44. Massage!!!!
  45. We’re better parents
  46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
  47. There’s never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
  48. We’re flexible
  49. When women get pissed we don’t destroy property or hurt people – we just take it out on the world in general because we can
  50. Menopause- thank god we’re not capable of having children after we’re 50
  51. Menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say “no” to sex
  52. Men in uniform
  53. There is no penis envy
  54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there’s no messy clean-up
  55. It generally takes us less to get drunk
  56. We have a higher tolerance to pain
  57. We often get to cut in line
  58. Most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON’T
  59. Better tips
  60. Women who don’t wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
  61. We have mastered civilized eating – we don’t embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
  62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting – thank god for long pants and perfume!
  63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
  64. We don’t have excessive amounts of body hair
  65. We don’t spend 45 minutes on the toilet
  66. Men will pay us for sex
  67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn’t make us sterile
  68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
  69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
  70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
  71. Women sweat less
  72. Women smell better
  73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don’t have to waste money on flowers or cards – a blowjob and sex fixes all
  74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
  75. Women don’t get the humor in the three stooges
  76. Women have three accessible holes
  77. We don’t get embarrassed when buying tampons
  78. We’re better gossips
  79. We have better fashion sense
  80. We’re better shoppers
  81. We don’t have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
  82. Our friends don’t pick on us if we aren’t sleeping with anyone
  83. Men don’t know what our ‘girl talk’ is all about (and I’m not gonna tell you)
  84. We’re all sitting on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
  85. We don’t have to drive when on a date
  86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable – ugly men are just fucked
  87. Women can use the old “that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn” line
  88. Women know how fake it
  89. Women look better naked
  90. We know that rhythm doesn’t only pertain to dancing
  91. When women are short, we’re petite, when men are short, they’re just short
  92. Women do less time for violent crime
  93. Women don’t have to worry about not being able to get it up
  94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
  95. Women’s conversations generally consist of more than just “uh huh, yep, ok, then bye”
  96. Women don’t need an excuse to be in a bad mood
  97. Women never have to see combat
  98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
  99. Women are sexier
  100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

25 Things Women Want To Hear

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  1. Gee, Sweetheart, let’s skip dinner tonight. The only thing I’m hungry for is you.
  2. Wow, I just don’t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don’t you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
  3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
  4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it’s one thing I hate it’s skinny women.
  5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
  6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don’t like sex that much anyway. (Huh?? – ^v^)
  7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn’t seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
  8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station…. tickets to either the Super Bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
  9. Be careful Darling…don’t let it go too far down your throat.
  10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it’s freshly mowed.
  11. While you’re up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I’ve had enough beer.
  12. Shoot, there’s nothing on TV but football games. Let’s go furniture shopping.
  13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
  14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
  15. I’m getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
  16. You know, I think I’d really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
  17. Look at that… disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
  18. Golly I think we’re lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions

    19. .

  19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don’t you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
  20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I’m busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
  21. You know Sweetheart, I’m really glad you don’t like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
  22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
  23. If you’re looking for me later, I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
  24. You know, we really don’t visit your relatives enough.
  25. Why don’t you relax this weekend. I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.

Rejection Lines Given By Women

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(and the translation of what they mean!)

  • I think of you as a brother.
    (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in “Deliverance.”)

  • There’s a slight difference in our ages.
    (I don’t want to do my DAD.)

  • I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
    (You ugly dork.)

  • My life is too complicated right now.
    (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

  • I’ve got a boyfriend.
    (I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.)

  • I don’t date men where I work.
    (I wouldn’t date you if you’re in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)

  • It’s not you, it’s me.
    (It’s you.)

  • I’m concentrating on my career.
    (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

  • I’m celibate.
    (I’ve sworn off the likes of you or I’d rather be gang raped by midgets or I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)

  • Let’s be friends.
    (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

10 Ways to Know You Have PMS

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  1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
  2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
  3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
  4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
  5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, “How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-dating.”
  6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
  7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
  8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
  9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
  10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.