(and the translation of what they mean!)

• I think of you as a brother.
  (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in “Deliverance.”)
• There’s a slight difference in our ages.
  (I don’t want to do my DAD.)
• I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
  (You ugly dork.)
• My life is too complicated right now.
  (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
• I’ve got a boyfriend.
  (I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.)
• I don’t date men where I work.
  (I wouldn’t date you if you’re in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)
• It’s not you, it’s me.
  (It’s you.)
• I’m concentrating on my career.
  (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
• I’m celibate.
  (I’ve sworn off the likes of you or I’d rather be gang raped by midgets or I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)
• Let’s be friends.
  (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)