- “Oh, come on — Kirk can beat up Picard any day of the week!”
- “Empty the trash cans, someone’s lost another retainer!”
- “I’m sorry, Mr. Gates — this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there.”
- “No, sir, we can’t accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts.”
- “Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!”
- “Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 283! Pass it on!”
- “Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways.”
- “Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay – but I liked ‘Virtual Monique’ better.”
- “…so Dilbert says to Wally…”
- “My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he’d take away my Nintendo.”
- “…so I said, ‘That’s no hexadecimal assembly code, that’s my self-modifying subroutine.’ But seriously, folks…”
- “I don’t care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21.”
- “Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk — Your mother wants to know what time you’ll be home for dinner…”
- “They call this a breakfast buffet? Where’s the Jolt Cola and Doritos?”
- “Hey — where are all the chicks??”
Computer Blessing
Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they’re put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be no more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
Computer Acronyms
- PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN – It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- SCSI – System Can’t See It
- DOS – Defunct Operating System
- BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
- IBM – I Blame Microsoft
- DEC – Do Expect Cuts
- CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.
- WWW – World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH -Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- NT – Not Today
Check Disclaimer for Software Purchases
Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don’t come whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I’m going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said… Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:
- Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
- Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
- Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
- Using any toilet or rest room.
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.
Thank you and have a nice day!
An Email/Chatroom Survival Kit
- AOL
Assholes On Line - ASAP
As Soon As Possible - ASAFP
As Soon As Friggin Possible - AWGTHTGTTA
Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again - AWGTHTGTTSA
Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again - BFD
Big Fucking Deal - BMD
Buy Me Dildo - BTSOOM
Beats The Shit Out Of Me - BT
Byte This! - BTWBO
Be There With Bells On - CMF
Count My Fingers! - CTC
Choking The Chicken - DBEYR
Don’t Believe Everything You Read - DHYB
Don’t Hold Your Breath - DILDO
Darlin’ I’ll Lick De Ole - DILLIGAD
Do I Look Like I Give A Damn - DQYDJ
Don’t Quit Your Day Job - DYSTSOTT
Did You See The Size Of That Thing - FTASB
Faster Than A Speeding Bullet - FUBAR
Fucked Up Beyond All Repair - FUBB
Fucked Up Beyond Belief - FYI
For Your Information - FYM
For Your Misinformation - GR&D
Grinning Running & Ducking - HAK
Hugs And Kisses - HUYA
Head Up Your A$$ - HHOK
Ha Ha, Only Kidding - HHO1/2K
Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding - HIOOC
Help! I’m Out Of Coffee! - IANAC
I Am Not A Crook - IFABCTE
I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator - IITYWTMWYKM
If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me - IITYWTMWYBMAD
If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink - IITYWTMWYLMA
If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone - IIWM
If It Were Me - ILSHIBAMF
I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture - ILSHIBMS
I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches - IMHO
In My Humble Opinion - IMNSHO
In My Not So Humble Opinion - KISS
Keep It Simple Stupid - LDTTWA
Let’s Do The Time Warp Again - LOL
Laughing Out Loud - LSHHTCMS
Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts - LTIP
Laughing Till I Puke - MTFBWY
May The Force Be With You - NBFD
No Big Fucking Deal - NFW
No Fucking Way - NYCFS
New York City Finger Salute - OMIK
Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard - ONNA
Oh No, Not Again - ONNTA
Oh No Not This Again - OTOH
On The Other Hand - OTOOH
On The Other Other Hand - OTSH
On The Same Hand - PFM
Pure Fucking Magic - PITA
Pain In The A$$ - PMF
Pull My Finger - RTFM
Read The Fucking Manual (or Message) - SH
Shit Happens - SH2M
Shit Happens To Me - SOI
Sit On It - SOIAR
Sit On It And Rotate - SOL
Shit Outta Luck - TAFL
Take A Flying Leap - TDTM
Talk Dirty To Me - TFASB
Time For A Sex Break - TIC
Tongue In Cheek - TISEC
Tongue In Someone Else’s Cheek - TLA
Three Letter Acronym (such as this) - TM
Trust Me - TSR
Totally Stuck in RAM - TTT
That’s The Ticket - TWHAB
This Won’t Hurt A Bit - VI
Village Idiot - WDIPME
Where Did I Put My Excedrin - WGAFS
Who Gives A Flying Squat - WTHDTIM
What The Hell Do These Initials Mean - WTSDS
Where The Sun Don’t Shine - WWW
World Wide Wait - WYSIWYG
What You See Is What You Get - WYSIUWYW
What You See Isn’t Usually What You Want - YGBFK
You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin’
Catching the Virus
The “I Love You” virus that infects users of Microsoft’s Windows Live Mail has morphed. Watch for these variations:
- The “I love you, too” virus:
Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal. - The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus
Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date. - The “Let’s just be friends” virus
Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site. - The “Unsafe Sex” virus
Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net. - The “Safe Sex” virus
Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time. - The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus
Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer e-mails over $100k.
More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.
How to Care for Floppies
Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies and perfect discs (the media)!!
- Never leave the media in the disk drive, as data can leak out and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. CDs should be carefully stacked on your desk.
- The media should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surfaces. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the media, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
- Do not fold the media unless they do not fit into the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.
- Never insert the media into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the media and jam the intricate mechanics of the drives.
- The media cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two discs into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both discs.
- The media should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
- If your media is full and you need more storage space, remove the disc from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent lost data.
- Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the floppy diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
- Media may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe them dry before using. (see item 2 above)
- Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
- Periodically spray the media with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Calling Technical Support
Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen.
Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufaturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk — we mean forgetful customer — and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !)
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.”
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
- If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
- Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
- Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
- Have I consulted my manual?
- Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
- Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
- Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call Technical Support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now.
This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be connected again to Technical Support.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
Calling for Technical Support
Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring.. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler’s “Lugubrious” Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and black balled from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.” Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company’s classic 1963 recording of Wagner’s “Ring Cycle” in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
(Wayne Newton singing “Danke Schoen” 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems
arise.
How to Build a Web Page in 25 Steps
- Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.
- Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.
- Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.
- Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.
- Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.
- Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.
- Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.
- View the source of others’ pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.
- Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.
- Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
- Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.
- Set the text’s font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.
- Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.
- Try to figure out why your counter reads “You are visitor number 16.3 E10” ~ 3 hours.
- Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.
- Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.
- Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.
- Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
- Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server ~ 3 weeks.
- Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.
- Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.
- Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.
- Upload your web page to your ISP’s server ~ 10 minutes.
- Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.
- Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity.