- Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
- Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
- I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
- Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
- I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
- Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
- Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
More Church Bulletin Typos
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:
- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
- Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
- Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
- The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
- A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
- Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
- Evening Massage – 6 p.m.
- Ushers will eat latecomers.
- The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
- On a church bulletin during the pastor’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.
- Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts…
- Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
- Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
- This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
- We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning duringthe worship service. Now let’s sing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow.”
- The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved… the final secretary gave a grief report.
- Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Manufacturer’s Notice
It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.
- It is necessary to inform her/him of any members who are hospitalized.
- It is necessary to inform him/her of any members who should be added to the “shut-in” list.
- If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor’s prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or she/he won’t know.
- If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him/her.
We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.
Hymns of the Lukewarm Church
The Lukewarm Church (God’s Frozen People) announces publication of “Church Songs,” whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because “We didn’t want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands anymore like ‘worship’ or ‘hymn.’ People in today’s society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They’d much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need.”
Sample contents:
- A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
- Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
- Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
- Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
- All Hail the Influence of Jesus’ Name
- My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
- Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
- My Faith Looks Around for Thee
- Be Thou My Hobby
- O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
- Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style
- Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
- He’s Quite a Bit to Me
- Oh, How I Like Jesus
- I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
- Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
- I Surrender Some
- Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
- I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
- Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
- Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
- Special, Special, Special
- Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
- Stick Nearby, It’s Getting Dark Outside
- Take My Life and Let Me Be
- There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
- There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
- What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
- When Peace, Like a Trickle…
- When the Saints Go Sneaking In
- Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
- God of Taste, and God of Stories
- Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize
Let This Be A Warning!
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
Jewish Fathers
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home “Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.”
“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?” So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend. “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,” said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, “Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel….”
Jesus Saves
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job”.
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves”.
I Think I’m Gonna Be Sick!
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
“Were you sick?” her mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.'”
In The Beginning
In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, “Let there be light”, and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?
What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night”. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed”. The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth”.
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before…
At this point God created Hell.
Infidelity
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, “Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?”
“Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn’t preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!”
Little Johnny replied, “Reverend, you ain’t said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!”