Acute Case of Martha Stewart Disease

Here are a few signs that you may be in need of professional help:

  • You serve wine to your guests in conch shells.
  • You serve entrees in an attractive real bird’s nest you found in a nearby forest.
  • You make your own Jell-O from calves’ hooves rather than buy the powdered stuff.
  • You decorate your cakes with pieces of ceramic, bundles of chiffon, buttons, marbles and other inedible stuff because “it looks so pretty.”
  • You’ve macramed yourself a computer cozy from yarn, recycled plastic and pop-top rings.
  • You’ve smeared the walls with yogurt so that over time a natural-looking greenish mold will grow, giving your home the fashionably distressed look of an ancient Greek temple.
  • You sleep outside the house, in a tent, so that you don’t spoil your perfectly made bed.
  • All of the grass in your front yard is French braided.
  • Each and every flower in the back yard is wrapped in raffia and sports a shiny red bow.
  • Before you go to bed at night, you spend hours on your hobby farm putting the wool on your sheep’s bodies in hot rollers, so they will look more fluffy and glamorous than the neighbor’s.