Category Archives: Workplace

No Wonder I’m Tired

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The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don’t do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let’s soak up more tax dollars while we play “Doom”), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

An Apology

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When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Years Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of know they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don’t they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic……

How Applicants Speak

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(and what they mean)
  • “I know how to deal with stressful situations”

    I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

  • “I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills”
    I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

  • “I’m extremely adept at all manners of office organization”
    I’ve used Microsoft Office.

  • “I’m honest, hardwordking, and dependable”
    I pilfer office supplies.

  • “My pertinent work experience includes”
    I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

  • “I take pride in my work”
    I blame others for my mistakes.

  • “I’m personable”
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

  • “I’m willing to relocate”
    As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

  • “I’m extremely professional”
    I carry a Franklin Planner.

  • “My background and skills match your requirements”
    You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

  • “I am adaptable”
    I’ve changed jobs a lot.

  • “I’m highly motivated to succeed”
    The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.

  • “I have formal training”
    I’m a college dropout.

  • “Thank you for time and consideration”
    Wait! Don’t throw me away!

  • “I look forward to hearing from you soon”
    Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Xerox

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Letter to Xerox and the Reply

Dear Kings of Kopiers:

(feel free to use that) I just started a new job as an exterminator’s assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper.

While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I’d better check with you about it. On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free. I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from computer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam.

Now, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up. Won’t that adversely affect the life of our printer? I mean, I’m sure you know what you’re doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a “Jam-free” paper, if you offer such a product. I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don’t want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it’s really safe.

If it is safe, why not say “Contains .01% jam, but it’s perfectly safe” in big letters, since I’m sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way.

By the way, I’m curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn’t look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I’d appreciate a Xerox keychain.

Thanks,

Dave Cilluffo
PO Box 731
Edinboro Pa 16412-0731

Thank you for your message.

We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts.

Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn’t harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around. You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results.

In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T-shirt. If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know.

Guide to Safe Fax

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  • Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
    A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

  • Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
    A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

  • Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
    A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

  • Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
    A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their need to fax becomes too great.

  • Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
    A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe fax.

  • Q. What happens when I do the procedure incorrectly and I fax prematurely?
    A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won’t mind if you try again.

  • Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
    A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

Occupational Hazards

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  • OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.
  • OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.
  • OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
  • OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.
  • OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.
  • OLD BALLOONISTS never die, they just get higher and higher.
  • OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.
  • OLD BASEBALLS never die, they just get pitched.
  • OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.
  • OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.
  • OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.
  • OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.
  • OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just wither away.
  • OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.
  • OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die, they just get bypassed.
  • OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.
  • OLD CASHIERS never die, they just get distilled.
  • OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.
  • OLD CHICKENS never die, they just get fried.
  • OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.
  • OLD CLOTHIERS never die, they just lose their shirts.
  • OLD COMPUTER USERS never die, they just lose their memory.
  • OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged.
  • OLD COWS never die, they just kick the bucket.
  • OLD DAIRYMEN never die, they just get butter and butter.
  • OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.
  • OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.
  • OLD DOCTORS never die, they just go to the hospital.
  • OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.
  • OLD DOUGHBOYS never die, they just get rolled out.
  • OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die – they just go senile.
  • OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.
  • OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
  • OLD EXTERMINATORS never die, they just bug out.
  • OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.
  • OLD FIREFIGHTERS never die, they just go to blazes.
  • OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.
  • OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak.
  • OLD FULLBACKS never die, they just kick off.
  • OLD GARDENERS never die, they just spade away.
  • OLD GLASS never dies, it just gets smashed.
  • OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.
  • OLD GOLFERS never die, they just putter away.
  • OLD GOSSIPERS never die, they just lose their confidants.
  • OLD GRUNGE ROCKERS never die, they just cut their hair, and nobody recognizes them.
  • OLD GUNS never die, they just get loaded.
  • OLD HIKERS never die, they just get the boot.
  • OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.
  • OLD HUMAN CANNONBALLS never die, they just get fired.
  • OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded.
  • OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.
  • OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.
  • OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.
  • OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.
  • OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.
  • OLD KINGS never die, they just get throne away.
  • OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.
  • OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.
  • OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their judgement.
  • OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just close the book.
  • OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.
  • OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.
  • OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.
  • OLD MECHANICS never die, they just get well lubricated.
  • OLD MECHANICS never die, they just retire.
  • OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.
  • OLD MUFFLERS never die, they just get exhausted.
  • OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.
  • OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out.
  • OLD OWLS never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
  • OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.
  • OLD PAINTERS never die, they just get plastered.
  • OLD PARAKEETS never die, they just get cheeper and cheeper.
  • OLD PERSONNEL AGENTS never die, they just get hire and hire.
  • OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.
  • OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.
  • OLD PILOTS never die, they just take off.
  • OLD PLUMBERS never die they just smell that way.
  • OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.
  • OLD POLITICIANS never die, they just run once too often.
  • OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.
  • OLD PRINCIPALS never die, they just lose their faculties.
  • OLD PRINTERS never die, they’re just not the type
  • OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits.
  • OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.
  • OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse.
  • OLD QUARRY WORKERS never die, they just get blasted.
  • OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.
  • OLD ROCKHOUNDS never die, they just slowly petrify.
  • OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dingy.
  • OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals.
  • OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.
  • OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision.
  • OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.
  • OLD SNACK VENDORS never die, they just cash in their chips.
  • OLD SOLDIERS never die . . . just young ones!
  • OLD STATUES never die, they just get busted.
  • OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.
  • OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded.
  • OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding.
  • OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.
  • OLD TIRE INSTALLERS never die, they just go down the tubes.
  • OLD TRASH HAULERS never die, they just get down in the dumps.
  • OLD VETERINARIANS never die, they just go to the dogs.
  • OLD WHEELS never die, they just get retired.
  • OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged.
  • OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip.

Insurance Companys

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How can you tell what company an insurance man works for? That’s easy… just watch to see who he sleeps with….

  • 1st Insurance man – sleeps with own wife
    That’s “Home Insurance”

  • 2nd Insurance man – sleeps with girl friend
    That’s “Mutual Benefit

  • 3rd Insurance man – sleeps with chorus girl
    That’s “New York Life”

  • 4th Insurance man – sleeps with secretary
    That’s “Employees Mutual Benefit”

  • 5th Insurance man – sleeps with hotel maid
    That’s “Travelers Aid”

  • 6th Insurance man – sleeps with woman next door
    That’s “Royal Neighbors”

  • 7th Insurance man – sleeps with old maid
    That’s “Prudential”

  • 8th Insurance man – sleeps with grandma
    That’s “Old Age Assistance”

  • 9th Insurance man – sleeps with nobody
    That’s “John Hancock”

  • 10th Insurance man – sleeps with anybody
    That’s “Metropolitan”

  • 11th Insurance man – sleeps with boyfriend
    That’s “Odd Fellow”

  • 12th Insurance man – sleeps with Charlie McCarthy
    That’s “Lumbermans Mutual”

  • In case anyone gets pregnant from all of this,
    That’s “Industrial Accident”