Phrases You Can Use in a Myriad of Business Situations

  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • Ahhh…I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again…
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
  • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

That Humble Toaster

  • If IBM made toasters…
    They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
  • If Microsoft made toasters…
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’2K would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let’s you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
  • If Apple made toasters…
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
  • If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
  • If the NSA made toasters…
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
  • If NASA made toasters…
    The toast would burst into flames shortly after popping up.
  • Does DEC still make toasters?…
    They made good toasters in the ’70s, didn’t they?
  • If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
    They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
  • If Sony made toasters…
    Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
  • If the Franklin Mint made toasters…
    Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
  • If Cray made toasters…
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
  • If Thinking Machines made toasters…
    You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.
  • If Timex made toasters…
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
  • If Radio Shack made toasters…
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
  • If K-Tel sold toasters…
    They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.
  • If Wang made toasters
    Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.

A New Merger

Well, despite the fact that AOL Time Warner has lost over half of its value and threw out their CEO, Gerald Levin, it hasn’t stopped other companies from talking about doing mega-merger deals.

For instance, did you hear that Yahoo, in a 5-1 stock split, plus some capital from Microsoft, is planning on taking over Disney, Data General, and United Health Care?


The new company will be called:

Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.


Not that we would ever see these, but it makes you wonder what would happen if the following companies merged…

  • Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler
  • 3M and Goodyear
  • John Deere and Abitibi-Price
    Deere Abi
  • Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer
    Crab Apple
  • Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining
    Zip Audi Do Da
  • Folger Coffee, Detroit Edison and Rolex
  • Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds
  • Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil
    Honey, I’m Home
  • Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining
    Mine, All Mine
  • 3M, JC Penney and Canadian Opera Company
    3 Penney Opera
  • Mattel and Pacific Gold
    Ma & Pa
  • Sears Roebuck and Rogers Cable
    Buck Rogers
  • Cracker Jacks and Maxwell House
  • Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-A-Car
    Luv Hertz
  • Knott’s Berry Farm and National Organization of Women
    Knott NOW
  • Federal Express and UPS
    Fed Up.

Bad Merger Ideas

  • Mennen Black & Decker
  • Brother Cannon Sperry Daimler
  • Rubbermaid Snap-On Genuine Parts
  • Olde McDonald’s Hickory Farms
  • Eaton Apple Caterpillar
  • Good ‘n’ Plenty Johnson Wax
  • Motel 6 Hostess
  • Camel Apple
  • Hershey Gateway
  • Microsoft Weinerschnitzel
  • Star-Kist Tuna Aqua Net
  • Blue Cross Dresser Industries
  • Pfizer Wang Boeing
  • Yahoo! Wendy’s Intuit
  • Playboy Staples Busch
  • Zippo Johnson & Johnson Hertz

The Merger of AOL and Time Warner

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

  • Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course
    will strictly be a coincidence.
  • The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”
  • When you try to access a web site that AOL blocks because they know that you are too stupid to think for yourself, Tweety Bird will say, “I tawt I taw a Puddy… I did, I did see a Puddy… ACCESS IS DENIED!”
  • The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.
  • Now that AOL owns everything, there is no one left for them to sell your private and personal information to. Therefore, they will now use that information to obtain a mandatory AOL Visa card in your name and make purchases on your behalf and bill you whatever they want whether you like it or not.
  • Now, when you turn off your TV set, AOL will automatically download television programs without your permission and delete the channels of competitors that they don’t want you to watch. Of course the next logical step will be popup ads on the screen while you’re trying to watch your favorite show, and the inevitable outcome will be… “You’ve been watching TV for too long, your connection has been terminated”… CLICK!