Dear Washington State residents:
The recent earthquakes were just a warning.
Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain and we’ll take back our earthquakes.
[signed] The People of California
Category Archives: Regional
American Logic
- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
- We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
- We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
- We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.
- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
Rejected State Mottos
- Alabama — At Least We’re not Mississippi
- Alaska — 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
- Arizona — Dehyd-rific!
- Arkansas — Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
- Calfornia — As Seen on TV
- Colorado — If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
- Connecticut — Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
- Florida — Ask Us About Our Grandkids
- Georgia — We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism
- Hawai — Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
- Idaho — More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
- Illinois — Gateway to Iowa
- Indiana — 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
- Iowa — Land of James T. Kirk
- Kansas — First Of The Rectangle States
- Kentucky — Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
- Louisiana — We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
- Maine — Cheap Lobster
- Maryland — A Thinking Man’s Delaware
- Massachusetts — Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
- Michigan — First Line of Defense From the Canadians
- Minnesota — For Sale
- Mississippi — Come Feel Better About Your Own State
- Missouri — Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
- Montana — Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
- Nebraska — Ask About Our State Motto Contest
- Nevada — Whores and Poker!
- New Hampshire — Go Away and Leave Us Alone
- New Jersey — You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
- New Mexico — Lizards Make Excellent Pets
- New York — You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
- North Carolina — Tobacco is a Vegetable
- North Dakota — Um… We’ve got… Um… Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
- Ohio — Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland
- Oklahoma — Like the Play, Only No Singing
- Oregon — Spotted Owl, It’s What’s For Dinner
- Pennsylvania — Cook With Coal
- Rhode Island — We’re Not REALLY An Island
- South Carolina — Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
- South Dakota — Closer Than North Dakota
- Tennessee — >The Educashun State
- Texas — Se Hablo Ingles
- Utah — Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
- Vermont — Yep
- Virginia — Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
- Washington — Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
- Washington, D.C. — Wanna Be Mayor?
- West Virginia — One Big Happy Family — Really!
- Wisconsin — Come Cut Our Cheese
- Wyoming — Wynot? Be good!
Indications Canada is in Bad Shape
- During a rather physical match against Norway, member of Canadian Curling Team arrested for “Assault with a Deadly Push-broom.”
- National Olympic Training Facility now supplied by Ben Johnson Catering, Inc.
- “Baywatch: Vancouver” canceled due to goose bumps.
- Toronto and Montreal actively trying to trade for John Rocker.
- Shockingly disproportionate ratio of moose to homicidal professional athletes.
- Location: between North Dakota and North Pole.
- Feather boa-clad Minnesota National Guard troops massing on the border to defend governor’s mansion against recent snowball incursions.
- Sudden uptick in teenage moose pregnancies.
- Trademark “Eh?” has given way to “Enh” accompanied by shrug.
- Detroit begins to rival Los Angeles in sheer number of resident illegal aliens.
- The Road to Heck now almost completely paved with maple leaves.
- In effort to prop up national tragedy of sagging male egos, Parliament considers adding an “f” to the proud “Canuck” nickname.
- Ten minutes of roughhousing with the kids leaves it — HOO! — breathless and sweaty.
- Caught smuggling that fresh pine scent in from Michigan.