- Q: What’s the working title of Bob Woodward’s new book?
A: “All the President’s Semen” - Q: What’s the difference between Zippergate and Watergate?
A: This time we know who Deep Throat is. - Q: Have you heard the latest poll? 10,000 American women were asked if they’d sleep with President Clinton…
A: And 80% said, “not AGAIN!” - Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky go to the White House General Store?
A: To buy some Presidential Kneepads. - Q: Have you seen the newest Washington souvenir?
A: It’s a T-shirt that says “I blew the president, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” - Q: Why did Clinton meet Lewinsky in the Oval office?
A: It was so she could debrief him. - They’re playing a new game at the White House: Swallow the leader.
- Q: What’s the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton?
A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic. - Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. - Clinton didn’t tell Monica Lewinsky not to lie in deposition…
He told her not to lie in that position. - Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town. - Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. - President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
“What is it?” exclaims the President.
“It’s this Abortion Bill Mr. President,” the aide replies. “What do you want to do about it…?”
“Just go ahead and pay it,” responds the President. - Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.” - Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top. - Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her. - Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton’s sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village! - Q: What was Yasser Arafat’s advice to Bill Clinton?
A: Goats don’t talk. - Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat?
A: When she didn’t swallow everything he presented. - Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. - Q: What’s the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. - Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes HE did?
A: A dead girlfriend. - Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Category Archives: Politics
Clinton’s Ghosts
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House.
Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
“Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.
Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.
“Go to the theater.”
Clinton’s Disbarment Defense
They say truth is stranger than fiction,
and slickness is rarer than friction
With Clinton we’ve found
the rules upside down–
especially with language and diction.
The latest political treatise,
American Rhapsody teases
And generates laughter
because the last chapter
proclaims Clinton talks with his penis.
Bill’s heated reaction was fleeting
when he got his gene-mapping readings
‘Cause his genes present
a brand-new defense
against his disbarment proceedings.
And in his disbarment proceedings,
this brand new defense will be pleaded
His lips will not move,
and that’s how he’ll prove
the lies were all told by his penis.
The judge in such case must be awesome
to measure such jetsam and flotsam.
That must be why
when this case is tried,
the judge in the case is a Johnson.
Clinton’s Chain Letter
Dear Friends:
Yes, this is a chain letter. It won’t cost you anything, but like most chain letters, you’ve got to follow the directions exactly.
Bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the name at the top of the list. Then, add your name and address to the bottom of the list, remove the first name from the list, and send this to your five closest friends.
When your name reaches the top, you’ll receive 15,625 women, ONE of which has to better than the one you’ve got now. Don’t break the chain or you’re liable to wind up with your old lady again!
Thanks,
Willie C
Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
Slick Willie Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC
A Clinton Anniversary Discovery
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
Clinton and the Pope
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, “But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.”
Exasperated, the Pope answered, “Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.”
Clinton Versus Nixon
- Major Scandal during their presidency…
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed - The President’s biggest fear…
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore - Complaints toward the President…
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns - Their Vice-Presidents…
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek. - Presidential qualities…
Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her. - Things the President couldn’t explain….
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase - Presidential Nicknames….
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy - Presidential excuses….
Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn’t get in her nook
Bill Clinton and St. Peter
Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates.
After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“‘Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.”
“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.
“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.
“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana – but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex – but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.
Chelsea at College
Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.
“So, are you enjoying college, dear?” she asked.
Chelsea nodded vigorously.
“And are there boys in college?” Hillary questioned.
Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter’s activities, went on to ask, “And are you having sex with these boys?”
Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother’s eyes, and said, “Not according to Dad.”
Chelsea Clinton Looking for Love
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Mom and Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.” Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.” Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.
She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numerous infidelities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”
Hillary just shook her head and replied, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says dear. He’s not really your father.”