Category Archives: Government

The Bar Bet

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I’m an IRS Agent.”

Legislative Oops of the Tongue

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  • “I don’t know anyone here that’s been killed with a handgun.”
    — Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans

  • “I think we have passed something that we didn’t want to do.”
    –Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge

  • “I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state.”
    –Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson

  • “This amendment does more damage than it does harm.”
    –Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans

  • “Y’all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y’all would scream one at a time.”
    — House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego

  • “I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks.”
    –Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville

  • Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber:
    “They’re lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day.”
    — Sen. B.B. “Sixty” Rayburn, D-Bogalusa

The FHA versus a Louisiana Lawyer

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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that the US purchased Louisiana from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to US ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition.

Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

They got it.

Dear Infernal Revenue Serviced

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I heard that y’all have really been slacking off on conducting audits here lately. It’s now down to roughly one in every forty seven bazillion returns gets audited. So, for all of the rest, you generally take the taxpayer’s word for it. Whatever they scribble on their 1040 form and send to you, y’all just have a trained monkey process it and stick it in the file.

That’s especially good news for me, since, once again, it appears the United States Government has decided they didn’t get enough of my blood throughout the year and now, come tax filing time, they’d like an emergency transfusion. A negative. B positive. AB Latte. Something.

So, while to this point in my life I’ve been straight as an arrow when dealing with y’all, I’ve decided this year to enroll in Creative Tax Filing 101.

Y’all will be getting Schedule A’s, B’s, C’s, a few Double D’s (which ought to make the male and lesbian auditors happy) and the Schedule of Bus Routes if I can lay my hands on it.

Y’all will be getting 1040’s, 1050’s, a 10-10-321 so you can call for just 10 cents a minute and a 10-100, catch you on the flip-flop, good buddy, roger that.

Furthermore, I’m kind of busy at the moment and I don’t think I’m going to have time to get all of the paperwork done by April 15. Y’all just go ahead and cut me a check for, oh, I’ll make it light on you, $275,000, and we’ll just call it even.

Yeah, I know, I’m taking a chance that I’ll be the lucky one who gets a full blown, pants around my ankles, and bent over the stove audit this year. And that I’ll wind up having to pay y’all thousands of dollars, my first born, and a goat named Clyde. I know I’m gambling with you.

But, I also hear that gambling debts are fully deductible, too. I can’t lose.

Nothing but love for ya, baby,

Ways to Insure You Get Audited

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From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are 10 ways to ensure getting audited by the IRS:

  1. Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).
  2. Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.
  3. Claim your cat as a dependent.
  4. Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
  5. On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”
  6. Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
  7. Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
  8. Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
  9. Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
  10. Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.

You Know You Work For the Government If…

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  • When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  • You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
  • Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  • You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  • Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
  • Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
  • You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
  • Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
  • Although you have a telephone, pager, E-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and coworkers sitting right on the other side of the partition…communication is a continuing problem.
  • You know, and everyone that works with you knows, your performance is superior, but “satisfactory” is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
  • You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
  • Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  • When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else’s problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
  • Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up” and “I have an opportunity for you.”
  • Training is something spoken about but never seen.
  • Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
  • The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
  • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

Government Viruses

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  • Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
  • Dan Quayle Virus #1: They’re is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can’t figyour out watt.
  • Dan Quayle Virus #2: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
  • Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism.”
  • Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
  • Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  • Congressional Virus #1: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
  • Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
  • Ollie North Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
  • Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
  • Obama Virus: Turns you unto a glassy-eyed fool, unable to challenge even the most nonsensical statements. You thank him profusely for rampant government spending and taking his huge extended family on numerous vacations.

A Little Perspective

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  • Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
  • The Lord’s prayer: 66 words
  • Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
  • The 10 Commandments: 179 words
  • The Gettysburg address: 286 words
  • The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
  • The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Government Office Rules

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  1. If it rings, put it on hold.
  2. If it clanks, call the repairman.
  3. If it whistles, ignore it.
  4. If it’s a friend, take a break.
  5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
  6. If it talks, take notes.
  7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
  8. If it’s typed, copy it.
  9. If it’s copied, file it.
  10. If it’s Friday, forget it!

Easy Tax Form

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  1. How much money did you make?                                  $____________
  2. Send it to us.
  3. Take out a loan for more.
  4. Send it all to us.