Category Archives: For/About Men

Bad Things to Say on a Date

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There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a
date.

  • Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
  • I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
  • No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
  • I used to come here all the time with my ex.
  • I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.
  • Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

  • I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be, I wouldn’t
    have given someone like you a second look.

  • I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
  • It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

Signs You Had a Bad First Date

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  • Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.
  • You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
  • She has a thicker mustache than you.
  • When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
  • Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
  • You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
  • You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.
  • At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
  • She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
  • You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
  • At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
  • You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
  • She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
  • She is better hung than you.
  • She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

A Bachelor’s Kitchen Guide

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  • Freezer Foods:
    • Ice Cream
      • If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.

    • Frozen Foods
      • Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

  • In the Fridge:
    • Eggs
      • When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

    • Dairy Products
      • Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon apetit!

    • Meat
      • If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

    • Unmarked Items
      • You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

    • General Rule of Thumb
      • Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

  • On the Shelf:
    • Canned Goods
      • Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.

    • Potatoes
      • Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

    • The Gag Test
      • Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

    • Bread
      • Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

    • Cereal
      • It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

    • Flour
      • Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

    • Pretzels
      • Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

    • Raisins
      • Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

    • Salt
      • It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

    • Spices
      • Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

    • Vinegar
      • If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

  • Expiration Dates:
    • This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

The Bachelor Commandments

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  1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
  2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriend’s friends unless you’re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
  3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
  4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a “slump”.
  5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a “lull”.
  6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
  7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
  8. Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
  9. Thou shalt never admit to “hogging,” it is always “a temporary alcohol induced standards derating”.
  10. Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having “a good personality”.
  11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
  12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
  13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
  14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor’s wife unless she covets back.
  15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.

100 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Guy

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  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
  16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
  27. You never have to clean the toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
  37. If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  41. Chocolate is just another snack.
  42. You can be president.
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  44. Flowers fix everything.
  45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
  69. Same work….more pay.
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
  73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
  77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
  79. ESPN’s sports center.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell you friends you’ve changed.
  86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “F*#k it!”
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
  99. Baywatch
  100. There is always a game on somewhere.