Tag Archives: Microsoft

Microsoft to Purchase God

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Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, “Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 2015. “Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.”

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah. Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Islam, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Microsoft TV Dinner Product Insert

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You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.

Set the oven using these keystrokes:

<mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//>

Then enter:

<ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.;

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

<ms.nodarn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap>

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Things that Would Change if Microsoft Built Cars

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  • A particular year’s model would not be available for at least 2 years until after it was scheduled to go into production.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some bizarre reason, you accept this.
  • You couldn’t have more than one person in the car unless you purchased a CarXP or Car NT, and then you would have to buy extra seats.
  • Linux would build a car that ran on water, was twice as reliable, and 10 times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
  • The oil, gas, alternator and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” light.
  • People would be excited about the ‘new’ features in Microsoft cars, forgetting that these features had been available in other cars a decade ago.
  • We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
  • The US Government would GET subsidies from Auto Manufacturers instead of GIVING them.
  • New seats would force everyone to get the same size butt!

Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device

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Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device
at Secret Hanford Facility

REDMOND (BNN)–World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

“Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means,” said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. “Not that I’m anti-government” he continued, “but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire.”

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. “I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer” explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, “At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation.”

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. “We’ve tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don’t work,” said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of “constructive engagement” with Microsoft.

Microsoft’s Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft’s recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire “kilograms of weapons grade plutonium” in the deal, said Myrhvold, “but we’ve finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob.”

Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. “I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor,” said Myrhvold, “but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve.”

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips “put out more heat than they draw in electrical power” said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. “This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion.”

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. “They’re doing all of the development work in Java,” said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. “Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment.”

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple’s Newton technology against Microsoft. “Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years,” said one hardware engineer. “I’d hate to be around when they drop that product a second time.”