Category Archives: Spiritual

The Second Chance

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A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, “I am going to give you one more chance. I’ll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.”

They all say, “We will, we will. Please let us live again!” The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex.

Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear.

Biblical Bloopers

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Here are Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT
  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
  • The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
    • FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT
  • When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
  • St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before – they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
  • When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

The Real First Page of the Bible

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They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual “first page” of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

“Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called ‘stars’. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.”

For Safety’s Sake

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  • Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
  • Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in home.
  • Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.
  • Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.
  • Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders. Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less. Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!