- … And What Was Plan B??
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts… - … The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. - … Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their “next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.” Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars… - … Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!” - … Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!” - … Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. - … Counter Thought
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. - … Idiots and Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?” - … Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health and Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” - … Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Category Archives: Say What???
Mud!
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass grazing in the morning, then they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, then they’re not.”
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!!!
This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”
“Neither,” reported his wife. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
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Follow this simple procedure:
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Little Billy Evans
THIS IS JUST TERRIBLE
A touching true story: Please help little Billy Evans.
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can’t. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I’m so sick. I was born without a body.
It doesn’t hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.
Mommy doesn’t work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she’s allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don’t know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.
Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.
Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot before I turn ten. If you don’t forward this email, that’s okay. Mommy says you’re a mean and heartless nasty person who doesn’t care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell.
What kind of cruel person are you that you can’t take five minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodyless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it’s hard.
I wish I had a kitty.
I wish I could hold a kitty.
I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn’t chew on me and try to bury its poo in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Thank You,
Billy “Smiley” Evans
About That Cigarette Lighter…
Sharon who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it began to give her trouble.
So she spoke to Martin who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
Sharon: “Now be a dear, and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.”
Martin: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) “I’m not used to discussing such things with ladies.”
Sharon: “Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?”
Martin: “Oh, sometimes…”
Sharon: “Then it’s different from mine, just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?”
Martin: “Oh yes, especially in cold weather.”
Sharon: “Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?”
Martin: “No, most certainly not!”
Sharon: “Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?”
Martin: “Of course I haven’t.”
Sharon: “You should try it then sometimes, it takes the stiffness out of it.”
Martin: “Er, well… I’m afraid that you are a naughty girl.”
Sharon: (Thinking he referred to smoking) “Oh, every girl does it now a days anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?”
Martin: “Yes, it is rather on the long side.”
Sharon: “I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it’s dry?”
Martin: “Yes.”
Sharon: “So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?”
Martin: “No no, not now. We had better wait until it’s dark.”
Sharon: “Don’t be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I’ll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn… now I’ll have to go back to matches.”
Martin collapses.
Letters to Dear Abby
- Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Abby: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I’m Gay. - Dear Abby: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
Abby: I don’t know. What’s he getting? - Dear Abby: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?
Abby: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie. - Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible?
Abby: Only if they don’t work. - Dear Abby: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Abby: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it! - Dear Abby: Do you think about dying much?
Abby: No, it’s the last thing I want to do. - Dear Abby: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
Abby: Yes, and also hazardous. - Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Abby: Yes, Run for public office. - Dear Abby: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you?”
Abby: It depends on what you’ve heard. - Dear Abby: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Abby: Night and Day.
The Kilted Scotsman
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!” So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said… “I don’t know where y’been laddie…but it’s nice ta’ know y’won first prize!”
Information, Please!
“Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.”
“Would you spell that, please?”
“Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.”
“Just a minute, sir. I’ll connect you with my supervisor.”
“Information. Can I help you?”
“I’d like the number of the Theater Guild, please.”
“One moment, please.” Pause. “I’m sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.”
“No, no. It isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s Theater Guild.”
“I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild.”
“Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!”
“That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore.”
Important Warning!
Everyone is always sending warnings about viruses, people trying to drug you in the street, people trying to scam use of your mobile phone…the list goes on. I don’t usually forward many of these kinds of emails, but this warning came to me today from a very reliable source and I feel compelled to warn my female friends!! (By the way, the reason some men were sent this is so that they can warn the women in their lives as well.)
WARNING !!!!!
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DON’T DO IT!!
This is a scam, and he is only trying to see your tits.
Lucille
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints about poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by “Lucille.” He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. “She never leaves a number, so I can’t call her back,” he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number. “She leaves her name,” was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only
pager, the light bulb came on. “How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked.
“L-O-W C-E-L-L”