Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Abby: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these 2 words: I’m Gay.
Dear Abby: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
Abby: I don’t know. What’s he getting?
Dear Abby: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?
Abby: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abby: Are birth control pills deductible?
Abby: Only if they don’t work.
Dear Abby: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Abby: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it!
Dear Abby: Do you think about dying much?
Abby: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.
Dear Abby: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
Abby: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Abby: Yes, Run for public office.
Dear Abby: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you?”
Abby: It depends on what you’ve heard.
Dear Abby: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Abby: Night and Day.