The Budweiser Incident

How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001…

Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield, California. To those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York, Pennsylvania, and the Pentagon.

On September 11th, a Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack. Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event.

He didn’t feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, “Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there? We’ll never deliver to them again.”

The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community. Just letting you know how Kern County handled this situation!!

And now the rest of the story: It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to pull all Pepsi products as well!! That would include Frito Lay, etc. Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit!

At last report, the store was closed indefinitely. Good old American Passive-Agressive Ass Whoopin’! Pass this along. America needs to know that we’re all working together.

Osama Bin Laden to Stand Trial for Kicking a Dog

Osama Bin Laden to Stand Trial
for Kicking a Dog

The terrorist Osama Bin Laden was captured in his Afghan outpost by the FBI on charges of “animal cruelty.”

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Director Jacque Schultz reported, “We’ve suspected for a long time that a man who blows up embassies for a living might also be a closet dog kicker.”

Displaying satellite photographs, Schultz explained, “You can see from the satellite scan Bin Laden forcibly kicking a stray dog.” Visibly revulsed, Schultz continued, “How could one man such a monster? How many other helpless animals have felt his sandal against their flanks? We’re just pleased that we could bring him to justice before he hurt a kitty.”

Bin Laden is also charged with writing the song “Achy Breaky Heart” and creating the “Macarena.”

Bin Dere

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Detroit, Michigan. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Detroit Metro Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Detroit public is advised to stay calm as absolutely NO ONE fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, is anywhere near the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

The police have just surrounded a department store in the center of Detroit. They’ve heard Bed Linen is on the second floor!

A Valentine For Osama

A couple of week agos Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?”

David’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” David says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” his father asks in shock.

“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride, “David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

Game On

September 11, 2001

Dear Taliban, Mr. Bin Laden, and Mr. Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that We will toast you — LITERALLY. While we will admit that you are off to an Impressive lead, it is however now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now… Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

  • Manager ~ George W. Bush
  • Assistant Manager ~ Dick Cheney
  • Head Coach ~ Colin Powell
  • Assistant Coach ~ Donald Rumsfeld
  • Starting Pitcher ~ Norman Schwartzkoff
  • 1st Base ~ U. S. Marine Corps
  • 2nd Base ~ U. S. Navy
  • 3rd Base ~ U.S. Air Force
  • Shortstop and clean up hitter ~ U. S. Army
  • Outfield ~ Firemen and Policemen
  • Umpire ~ None Required * Remember – the manager told you there’ll be No discussion; no negotiation!

Pinch hitters as needed ~

  • U.S. Navy SEALS
  • U.S. Army Green Berets
  • U.S. Army Rangers
  • U.S. Air Force PJs
  • Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we’ve decided to add:

  • 4th Base ~ United Kingdom
  • 5th Base ~ Russia
  • 6th Base ~ China
  • Other Bases (as desired) ~ Pakistan, Japan, Germany, France, Spain, Italy “Turkistan and lots of other …stans” and more.

Opening Ceremonies:

  • Vocal 1: Celine Dion ~ The Star Spangled Banner
  • Vocal 2: Lee Greenwood ~ God Bless The U.S.A.
  • Vocal 3: Neil Diamond ~ Comin’ To America
  • Vocal 4: Bruce Springstein ~ Born In The U.S.A.
  • Vocal 5: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir ~ Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team … it won’t really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!!!


On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

P.S. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; ‘Cause your ass is ours! Goodbye

Afghani General

An Afghani military General walked into and a bank with six armed soldiers demanding to see the Bank Manager. The attendant saw the armed men and the angry look in the General’s face and with shaking hands pointed at the Manager’s office.

They all angrily entered the Manager’s office without knocking or talking to secretary. The Manager wanted to scream at these rude men but he saw their guns and simmered down. Then the General said to the man, “We are aware that your bank does hide money for some corrupt Arab military officials, we want their names.”

The Bank Manager replied with sweat gushing through his face, “I am sorry, Sir, but we can’t disclose our transactions with our customers.”

The General brought his revolver and pointed it at the Bank Manager and said, “No more Mr. Nice Guy. You have the count of five to talk, or I’ll blow your brains all over the office. 5.”

The Bank Manager’s legs were shaking as he replied, “I am sorry, Sir, the names of our customers are confidential.”


“I beg of you, Sir, I have a wife and three kids.”

“I want their names. 3.”

The Bank Manager had not realized he had peed his pants. “Have mercy on me.”

“The names, 2.”

“It’s against the bank’s policy, Sir, please don’t kill me,” the man cried out with tears in his eyes.


The bank manager closed his eye to see death and when he opened his eyes he saw the General smiling and saying, “General Smith was right about the bank manager that don’t talk. Boys, send in the bags!” The other soldiers brought in bags of money for the General to put in the bank.

After they left the bank manager made a phone call, “Mr. President, we have some more Taliban funds that need to be seized. I love being known as the Bank Manager that doesn’t talk, but it is sure rough on my suits!”

Afghanistan’s Fall TV Lineup

    8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
    8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
    9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
    9:30 – “The Brian BinBin Laden Show”
    10:00 – “Allah McBeal”
    8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
    8:30 – “The Price is Right If Osama Says It’s Right”
    9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
    9:30 – “Afghanistan’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
    10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”
    8:00 – “U. S. Military Secrets Revealed”
    8:30 – “When Northern Alliance Attack”
    9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
    9:30 – “Just Shoot Everyone”
    10:00 – “Veilwatch”
    8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
    8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
    9:00 – “Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
    9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
    10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”
    8:00 – “Judge Laden”
    8:30 – “Funniest Super-8 Home Movies”
    9:00 – “Achmed’s Creek”
    10:00 – “No-witness News”

The Number 11

The date of the attack: 9/11 – 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers – standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
State of New York – The 11th State added to the Union
New York City – 11 Letters
Afghanistan – 11 Letters
The Pentagon – 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef – 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC in 1993)
Flight 11 – 92 on board – 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77 – 65 on board – 6 + 5 = 11

Now, this guy named Dave took all of this, and came up with the following response:

  • Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name “David Pawson!” I’m going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.
  • Wait a sec … just realized “YOU CAN’T HIDE” also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can’t believe it!
  • Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no …”PLANET EARTH” has 11 letters, too!
  • Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in “NOSTRADAMUS.”
  • I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can’t… 11 letters in “THE RED CROSS,” can’t trust them.
  • I would rely on self defense, but “SELF DEFENSE” has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help?
  • Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don’t… “SEND ME EMAIL” has 11 letters….
  • Will this never end? I’m going insane! “GOING INSANE???” Eleven letters!!
  • Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I’ll die alone, even though “I’LL DIE ALONE” has 11 letters…..
  • Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th … 7/4 … 7+4=11!
  • PS. “IT’S BULLSHIT” has 11 letters also.