Birth Control, Arkansas Style

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that ten was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor explained to him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the father to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The hillbilly said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

  • Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
  • You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
  • I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
  • Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
  • What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
  • Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
  • Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  • No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
  • Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
  • Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

Ten Commandments of a Teenager

  1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (Why wait?)
  2. Thou shall not do drugz. (Alcohol lasts longer!)
  3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection!)
  4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (Destruction has a bigger effect)
  5. Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (Everyone knows grandma has more money!)
  6. Thou shall not get into fights. (Just start them!)
  7. Thou shall not skip class. (Just skip the whole day!)
  8. Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more!)
  9. Thou shall not think of having sex. (As Nike says just do it!)
  10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (Just take them to the middle and leave them!)