Cat Miracle Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

    Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
    Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
    Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
    Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
    Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
    Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
    Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
    Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
    Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
    Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
    Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
    Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
    Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
    Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

The Bachelor Diet

  • Monday
    • Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
    • Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” – those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
    • Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox.
    • Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky Fried Chicken three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
  • Tuesday
    • Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
    • Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
    • Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
  • Wednesday
    • Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s.
    • Lunch – Rolaids and a coke.
    • Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.
  • Thursday
    • Breakfast – Order out for pizza.
    • Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Monday’s gutbomber sack for leftovers.
    • Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
  • Friday
    • Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.
    • Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
    • Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
  • Saturday
    • Breakfast – Sleep through it.
    • Lunch – Ditto.
    • Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussels sprouts. Don’t eat the brussels sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
  • Sunday
    • Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
    • Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.
    • Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.