A True Story from Orange County

A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no–he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back – and they run down the street to the robbery.

After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door–where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

Hiring an Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

A Second Offense

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper’s position…

Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Advice to Dumb Criminals

(based on what other dumb criminals have done)
  • If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot… *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
  • *Don’t* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
  • When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
  • “But I know the people who live here” is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
  • When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don’t* say, “Well, I can’t do that sober!” on camera, and then plead not guilty.
  • If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
  • *Don’t* answer a question with the phrase, “Who me?” when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
  • *Don’t* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It’s considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
  • *Don’t* say, “I ain’t got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?” before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.
  • *Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
  • *Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
  • When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don’t* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer’s boot.
  • *Do* come up with something better to say than, “These aren’t my pants” when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
  • If you are going to jump into a stranger’s fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
  • *Don’t* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
  • If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit

911 Calls

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

  • Caller: “I’d like to make a unanimous complaint, so don’t use my name.”
  • Caller: “I’m reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it.”
    Call-taker: “Is the deer alive?”
    Caller: “Oh, no, it’s run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and – OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!”
  • Caller: “Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?”
  • Caller: “We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough).”
  • Caller: “Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?”
  • Caller: (irate) “That’s ‘W’ as in Williams and ‘Y’ as in why.”
  • Caller (on realising the police are on the way): “Get the keg outta here, dude!”
  • Caller: “He’s not breathing!”
    Call-taker: “Can you get the phone close to him?”
    Caller: “WHY? You want to hear he’s not breathing, too?”
  • Call-taker: “Does she have any weapons?”
    Caller: “Well, she has real long finger nails.”
  • Call-taker: “We’ll need a description of him.”
    Caller: “He’s a lawyer.”
  • Caller: “No, she just didn’t fall…I helped her!”
  • Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
    Call-taker: “What is your address?”
    Caller: “It’s gone.”
  • Caller: “I’m scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there’s writing on my wall and I can’t get it off……this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

12 Things Not to Say to a Cop

  1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
  3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  5. Are you Andy or Barney?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. You’re not gonna check the trunk are you?
  8. I pay your salary!
  9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
  10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
  12. When the Officer says “Gee Son…Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?”, you probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?”