Advice to Dumb Criminals

(based on what other dumb criminals have done)
  • If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot… *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
  • *Don’t* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
  • When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
  • “But I know the people who live here” is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
  • When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don’t* say, “Well, I can’t do that sober!” on camera, and then plead not guilty.
  • If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
  • *Don’t* answer a question with the phrase, “Who me?” when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
  • *Don’t* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It’s considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
  • *Don’t* say, “I ain’t got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?” before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.
  • *Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
  • *Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
  • When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don’t* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer’s boot.
  • *Do* come up with something better to say than, “These aren’t my pants” when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
  • If you are going to jump into a stranger’s fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
  • *Don’t* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
  • If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit