Dear Valued Customer

Dear Valued Customer:

In accordance with company policy, we are pleased to inform you that you received merchandise with the same high quality standards afforded all our customers, and we feel you are extremely chicken-shit for returning this stuff, particularly since we did not authorize the return.

You know damned well we have a comprehensive and equitable Returned Goods Policy, and you will pay hell receiving credit unless this policy is strictly adhered to. We ship whatever the hell comes off the production line, and whether it meets specifications or not is beside the point. We are reasonably confident our packaging contains the proper materials a good share of the time, which is exactly what you ordered. By God, no one is perfect.

I’d like to see your production area sometime. I’ll bet you have a shit-pot full of problems too. Incidentally, you have really pissed off our Scheduling and Production people with your arbitrary statements regarding late delivery. After all, your last order was only three months overdue, which is a helluva lot better than most of our customers get. What the hell do you expect?

On future orders, we suggest you favor us with a higher dollar volume, and we will bust our asses. With this type of volume, we can guarantee a maximum late order condition of two months…how’s that for a thirty day improvement?

As a valued customer, it is certainly your privilege to request we check future orders more closely for requested shipping dates, but your prickish attitude will, we are confident, result in our shipping so damned late that you will be in such a bind that you will gladly accept any old shit we want to get rid of.

By the way, don’t give us any crap about order cancellations;
We’re already in production. We could, however, see our way clear to stop production if you will pay 90% cancellation charges, along with a 25% restocking fee. Otherwise, tough shit.

In summary, you work with us, and we will work with you. BUT!! Don’t pull that irate customer shit on us, we’ve been down that path before.

Warm personal regards,

P.S. You screwed up again when you insisted our part doesn’t resemble your specification drawings. BULLSHIT!! Your drawing isn’t even close to our part. We know there was a 1-1/2″ difference between the part and the drawing, which we consider minor and totally insignificant. Why don’t you get on your Engineer’s ass for a change?

Customer Service with a Smile

  • Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where the thingamabobers are?”
    Employee: “Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6.”
  • Customer: “Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do.”
    Employee: “I think so. I saw ’em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4.”
  • Customer: “Wheres the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?”
    Employee: “Hmm… that’s a tough one… The closest we have is tape.”
  • Customer: “Can you help me find something?”
    Employee: “Nope! I’m going to stand here and laugh at you a bit more…”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Do you work here?”
    Employee: “Oh… Sorry. I just dress up like this five days a week because I like messing with people’s minds…”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Do you look like you work here?”
    Employee: “(no comment)”
  • Customer: “Do you work here?”
    Employee: “Only when the boss is around.”
  • Customer: “Where are the little flat black things you put in computers?”
    Employee: “Hmm. I think they are in the computer section next to the disks.”
  • Customer: “I’m having trouble with my computers coffee holder. Do you carry replacements?”
    Employee: (commits hari-kari on the spot)
  • Customer: “This item doesn’t have a price on it. Does that mean it’s free?”
    Employee: “Yes. That’s one of the items we paid with “free money” with.”
  • Customer: “This doesn’t have a price on it. Does that mean it’s free?
    Employee: “No, that means I get to make up a price. It’s $150.00”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Is there a manager in this store?”
    Employee: “Nope. Sorry, we only have someone with a “Manager” name tag on to throw people off.”
  • Customer: “Can I open this?”
    Employee: “Sure. I’m sure it’s different on the inside of the clear wrapping.”
  • Customer: “Do you have a shopping cart?”
    Employee: “I think so. Let me look in my pocket. Oh! We moved em out to the parking lot!”
  • Customer: (referring to a cashier): “Are you open?”
    Employee: “No, sorry. I’m just standing here because people are giving me money. Why stop a bad thing. OH! maybe I will turn this light off with the big number on it next to this cash register…”
  • Customer: “Does this printer print in black?”
    Employee: “Yea, but you have to buy the white extra.”
  • Customer: “I am looking for something to plug into the back of my computer that lets me use my fax, scanner, printer, copier, and 4-in-1 multi-function machine at the same time.”
    Employee: “Yea! We have lots of those! Right through that big glass door by the entrance. Don’t be confused by that ‘Exit’ sign.”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Do you sell these shelves?”
    Employee: “Only with all the items on it. Do you want these price tags too? They’re extra, though.”
  • Customer: “Is this new computer Y2K compliant?”
    Employee: “No, sorry. We just received our new 1900 models. We can put your name on the list so we can sell you the new 2K models 100 years from now…”
  • Customer: “Can you give me a discount on this?”
    Employee: “Yea, that’s why we have those little stickers with prices on em on everything.”
  • Customer: “My computer isn’t working. Do you know why?”
    Employee: “Oh, sorry. I don’t have ESP. Let me transfer you to our ESP Technician department.”
  • Customer: “Do you carry pencils?”
    Employee: “No, I’m sorry. This is an office supply store only. We don’t carry pencils; or pens for that matter.”
  • Customer: “Do you have a bathroom here?”
    Employee: “No, sorry. We all piss in our pants when we need to go.”
  • Customer: Do you know where the hardware department is?
    Employee: Yes I do.
    Customer: Well, could you tell me where it is?
    Employee: I sure could. Would you like me to?