Martha’s December Calendar

  • December 1
    Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
    Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
  • December 2
    Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
  • December 3
    Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
  • December 4
    Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
  • December 5
    Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
  • December 6
    Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
  • December 7
    Debug Windows 8.
  • December 10
    Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
  • December 11
    Lay Faberge egg.
  • December 12
    Take dog house apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
  • December 13
    Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
  • December 14
    Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
  • December 15
    Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
  • December 17
    Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
  • December 19
    Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
  • December 20
    Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
  • December 21
    Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
  • December 22
    Float votive candles in toilet.
  • December 23
    Seed clouds for white Christmas.
  • December 24
    Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
  • December 25
    Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
  • December 26
    Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
  • December 27
    Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
  • December 31
    New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.