- December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
- December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
- December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
- December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
- December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
- December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
- December 7
Debug Windows 8.
- December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
- December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
- December 12
Take dog house apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
- December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
- December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
- December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
- December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
- December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
- December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
- December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
- December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
- December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
- December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
- December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
- December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
- December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
- December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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