Basic Guide for Scientists

  • I. Science Classification
    • If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s part of Biology.
    • If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.
    • If it doesn’t work, it belongs to Physics.
  • II. Rules for Laboratory Workers
    • When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
    • First draw your curves, then plot the data.
    • Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.
    • Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
    • A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.
    • In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
    • Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
    • Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone else.
    • Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn’t work.
  • III. Finagle’s Laws, Creed, and Motto
    • First Law – If anything can go wrong with an experiment, it will.
    • Second Law – No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to fake it.
    • Third Law – No matter what occurs, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.
    • Fourth Law – No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret it.
    • Creed – Science is truth. Don’t be misled by facts.
    • Motto – Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.