The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?


2. Do you love me?


3. Do I look fat?


4. Do you think she is prettier than me?


5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

• Question #1: What are you thinking about?
  The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
  
  
  
  1. Baseball.
  2. Football.
  3. How fat you are.
  4. How much prettier she is than you.
  5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

  (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

• Question #2: Do you love me?
  The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
  
  
  
  1. I suppose so.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  3. That depends on what you mean by love.
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

• Question #3: Do I look fat?
  The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
  
  
  
  1. Compared to what?
  2. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I’ve seen fatter.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

• Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
  Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
  
  
  
  1. Yes, but you have a better personality
  2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
  4. Define pretty
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

• Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
  A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is “Buy a Corvette.”) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions,
  usually along the these lines:
  

  • Woman: Would you get married again?
    Man: Definitely not!
    W: Why not, don’t you like being married?
    M: Of course I do.
    W: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
    M: Okay, I’d get married again.
    W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
    M: Yes, I would.
    W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    M: Where else would we sleep?
    W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    M: Of course not, Dear. She’s left-handed.