Recent Orders to Troops in the Middle East

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

  1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
  2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

    • “Eat Pork Or Die” [both English and Arabic versions]
    • “Shrine Busters” [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
    • “Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy” [Both English and Arabic versions]
    • “Goat – it isn’t just for breakfast any more.” [Both English and Arabic versions]
    • The road to Paradise begins with me.” [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
    • Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.” [Both Arabic and English versions]
    • “Pork. The other white meat.’ [Arabic version]
    • “Infidel” [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

    The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

  3. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
    • “Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily.”
    • “Do we really need ‘smart bombs’ to drop on these dumb bastards?”
  4. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Early Retirement

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.”

The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants…he did…. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he said, “where are your testicles?!”

The general replied, “Back in Viet Nam!”

Falcon Codes

Falcon Codes – a numerical code used to indicate one’s displeasure or to pass a rude comment over the radio or messages.

  • 801 — You’ve got to be shitting me.
  • 802 — Get off my f—ing back.
  • 803 — Beats the shit out of me.
  • 804 — What the f—.
  • 805 — I hate this f—ing place.
  • 806 — It’s so f—ing bad, I can’t believe it.
  • 807 — This place sucks.
  • 808 — F— you very much.
  • 809 — Lovely, simply f—ing lovely.
  • 810 — That damn club.
  • 811 — Beautiful, just f—ing beautiful.
  • 812 — F—, shit, piss.
  • 813 — Hair pie, fur burgers.
  • 814 — I just got screwed.
  • 815 — Big f—ing deal.
  • 816 — Hang it in your ear.
  • 817 — Get bent.
  • 818 — DILLIGAS (Do I Look Like I Give A Shit?).
  • 819 — I don’t give a shit.
  • 820 — Merry F—ing Christmas.
  • 821 — F— it, just f— it.
  • 822 — Hot shit.
  • 823 — Bitching.
  • 824 — Tell someone who gives a shit.
  • 825 — Don’t get f—ing wise.
  • 826 — I don’t give a f—.
  • 827 — Pardon me, sir, you obviously mistook me for someone who gives a shit.
  • 828 — I didn’t design the f—ing thing. I just bought the f—ing thing.
  • 829 — Your ass sucks wind.
  • 830 — It won’t f—ing work.
  • 831 — Go pound sand up your ass.
  • 832 — F— off.
  • 833 — Who called this f—ing meeting.
  • 834 — FUBAR (F—ed Up Beyond All Repair).
  • 835 — Unf—ing Believable.
  • 836 — Adios mother f—er.
  • 837 — F— you.
  • 838 — No shit.
  • 839 — No f—ing shit.
  • 840 — Go to hell.
  • 841 — Ho, f—ing, ho.
  • 900 — Cool it.
  • 902 — I’m free this weekend.
  • 903 — Take your time. I don’t want to be stuck with this ass for lunch.
  • 904 — Help me dump this mother.
  • 905 — Let’s ball at lunch.
  • 906 — I’m free tonight.
  • 907 — Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
  • 908 — Call me at home to come back to work.
  • 909 — Call back later. My wife/husband is listening.
  • 910 — Let’s take off sick together.
  • 911 — Meet you at the motel.
  • 912 — Let’s snag them for tonight.
  • 913 — Can’t do better for now. At least they’ll be a fill in.
  • 914 — Let’s trade balling partners.
  • 915 — Is he/she available?
  • 916 — Muddy field. Couldn’t play.
  • 917 — SNEAK (Situation Normal All Fucked Up).
  • 918 — Bullshit.
  • 919 — This frigging thing.
  • 920 — Tall boy day.
  • 921 — Joint session.
  • 922 — You pecker.
  • 923 — Cocks—er.
  • 924 — Plain obscene.
  • 925 — Nice ass.
  • 926 — If you can’t take a joke, f— ya.

Divert Your Course!

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.

Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Station #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Station #2. This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It’s your call.

Drill Sergeant Pick-up Lines

  • “You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!”
  • “What’s a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??”
  • “Drop trou and give me 20!”
  • “Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups?”
  • “Soldier, I’m admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each.”
  • “Remember ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’? I’m neither, baby.”
  • “The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking.”
  • “Wanna know why I’m called a ‘drill’ sergeant?”
  • “Drop and give me 69!”
  • “Baby, you put the ‘fox’ in ‘foxhole’.”
  • “You’ll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if it’s your bra.”
  • “Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning.”
  • “Drop and give me 20 — on my lap.”
  • “Wanna help me get an ‘honorable discharge’?”
  • “Uncle Sam ain’t the only one who wants you.”

A Combined Operation?

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let’s take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach…

  • The Royal Marines go fishing.
  • The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
  • The French don’t care whose beach it is; it’s French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
  • The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then neglect to guard their landing strip.
  • The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don’t understand them.
  • The Italians go sunbathing.
  • The Germans land and build a car factory.
  • The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
  • The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
  • The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
  • The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
  • The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
  • The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
  • The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
  • The Saudi’s start drilling for oil.
  • The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
  • The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
  • The Spanish are late.
  • The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
  • Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
  • The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
  • The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
  • The Japanese don’t know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
  • The Californian National Guard contingent won’t land until someone opens a Starbucks.
  • The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak’s yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
  • The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.
  • The Israeli’s start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
  • The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
  • The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
  • The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
  • The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
  • The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
  • The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
  • The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
  • The Welsh say it’s King Arthur’s last resting place but the English stole it.
  • The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
  • The Libyans blow up two UN planes.
  • The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
  • The Kentuckians open a KFC.
  • The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
  • The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
  • The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
  • The Swedes just want to screw.
  • The Finns build a sauna and break out the beer. Did anyone say party?
  • The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
  • The Mattel Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe’s and one Barbie.
  • Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
  • The Romanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
  • The Coloradans cut off the Kansan’s water supply.
  • H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
  • The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
  • The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
  • Washington State National Guard builds a monument to Bill Gates.
  • The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
  • Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
  • Barack Obama is out playing golf and his aide-de-camp can’t reach him. Since his aide doesn’t know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Air Force to bomb Hawaii.

The Rules of Combat

  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  • Incoming fire has the right of way.
  • Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
  • The easy way is always mined.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
  • The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
    When you’re ready for them.
    When you’re not ready for them.
  • Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
  • If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
  • If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  • Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
  • The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  • When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
  • If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
  • When in doubt empty the magazine.
  • Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
  • Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
  • Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
  • Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
  • A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
  • Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
  • The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
  • Five second fuses only last three seconds.
  • It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Killer Kangaroos?

Careless Code Recycling Causes Killer Kangas:
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia’s armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and – in the case of the Northern Territory’s Operation Phoenix- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter’s position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization’s Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials’ movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures’ speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies “buzzed” the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively… then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

— From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization


Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”

“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.

“Bravery, nothing,” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private.

“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.

“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”

They look to the Marine. “Private,” the Marine Corps General commands.


“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!”

The general turns to the others and says, “Now THAT’S bravery!”

Poor Herman!

Forty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap…

The Army is still looking for him.