- People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you’re breathing.
- You finally find something you’ve been looking for, for ages but can’t remember why you wanted it.
- You get to work before you discover you forgot to get dressed.
- You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.
- Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.
- You can’t finish a conversation, because you don’t remember what you were talking about.
- Your spare tire is larger than your car’s.
- You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned in favor of a living specimen.
- Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.
- You are declined as an organ donor – you’re told they’re not sure if your organs are functional.
- Most of your sentences begin with, “When I was your age…”
- Bob Dole refers to you as, “old man.”
- Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.
- The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit “The Evolution Of Man.”
- The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.
- George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, “It’s just you and me, kid.” Update: “Now it’s just you, kid!”
- The dictionary adds your picture under the definition of “octogenarian.”
- You had to get rid of your dog he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.
- Medicare states that you’re too old for their coverage.
- You can’t be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.
- Universities inquire about your donating your body to science they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.
- You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.
- Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don’t want you behind the wheel.
- Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.
- Your bifocals need bifocals.
- You’re not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld because they may be too intense.
- A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.
- You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.
- Young girls feel safe in your presence knowing you couldn’t possibly do anything.
- Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.
- Children often innocently ask you, “What did people do before electricity?” And you can’t remember.
- You can remember seeing double features for a nickel, sometimes with sound.
- Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses, since you were there.
- You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.
- You often repeat things…You often repeat things… You often repeat things…
- You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.
Tag Archives: lists
Do You Remember… ?
- Blackjack chewing gum
- Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
- Candy cigarettes
- Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
- Hamburger joints with tableside jukeboxes
- Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
- Party lines
- Newsreels before the movie
- Slingshots
- Butch wax
- Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 6933)
- Peashooters
- Howdy Doody
- 45 RPM records
- S&H Green Stamps
- Hi-Fi
- Metal ice trays with levers
- Mimeograph paper
- Blue flashbulbs
- Amos and Andy
- Roller skate keys
- Cork popguns
- Drive-ins
- Studebakers
- Wash tub wringers
See score below.
If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!
The Curve of Life
- At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.
- At age 12, success is… having friends.
- At age 16, success is… having a driver’s license.
- At age 20, success is… having sex.
- At age 35, success is… having money.
- At age 50, success is… having money.
- At age 60, success is… having sex.
- At age 70, success is… having a driver’s license.
- At age 75, success is… having friends.
- At age 80, success is… not peeing in your pants.
Benefits of Growing Older
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember
them either. - Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room. - You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- People who call at 9 p.m. ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You send money to PBS.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television. - Your ears are more hairy than your head.
- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You bought cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
Being Old Has Its Advantages
- No more face lifts and tummy-tucks…just have somebody pull a handful, wad it all in a bunch behind your back, and tie it off.
- Forget driving…at 100+ you’ve been everywhere, anyway.
- At 100, you can insult whoever you want because nobody wants to yell at your for fear they’ll give you a heart attack. Never do this with your nurses, however…
- Pretend you can’t hear and make your visitors scream at the top of their lungs as they describe the weather outside. Watch for others’ reactions.
- Make blatantly obscene come-ons to younger members of the opposite sex…they’ll just smile awkwardly and dismiss it as senility anyway.
- Describe your sponge bath in perfect detail and watch for reactions.
- When the art teacher tries to make “dough-art” crafts with you, immediately consume the dough.
- Remember, the food on the tray next to you is just as good – if not better – than your own.
- Nurses’ lounges are known for the best lunches and snacks in town. Approach with stealth during bath and recreation time. Forget about napkins…especially with the BBQ rib dinners.
- Mumble unintelligible ramblings and stare into space. When the activities director hands you a crayola and paper, write this on it: “get me some cake”. It usually works the first time only.
- Always go to the activities classes…especially if you like cookies and bananas. Remember: a full glass of punch, well placed in elbow’s reach, can bring excitement to any dull gathering.
- Watch the faces of visitors who have to push the wheelchair of a person with a catheter bag…especially when they accidently kick the bag!
- For the young and young-at-heart:…find a convalescent hospital in your area. There will be at LEAST one person who has no family, no friends, no visitors. A visit for even 15 minutes a week will bring a spot of daylight in a very dark, dismal world.