Valentine’s Day Greetings from the Mafia

  • My love for you… it came and went.
    So your feet are now in wet cement.
  • I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
    Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
  • Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
    Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.
  • I picked up this card from a slim selection
    But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
    Love, J. Doe
  • I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
    Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.
  • Be my Valentine,
    and we can do it execution-style.
  • Cinderella got her fella,
    with a slipper made of glass;
    So please be mine, Valentine,
    or I’ll have to whack your ass.
  • Violets are blue,
    roses are red,
    I blew up your car
    So why ain’t you dead?
  • The day we met, my little pet,
    I knew with just one look
    You’d bear a son, and now that’s done,
    So shut your mouth and cook!
  • Hey.
  • Youse da greatest.
    Youse da best.
    But you’re as untouchable
    as Elliot Ness.
  • Lust is fleeting,
    true love lingers.
    Be mine always
    and you’ll keep your fingers.
  • Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know,
    dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.
  • Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
    So I won’t be a self-made man.
  • When a goon makes you die,
    Cuz you told him goodbye
    — that’s amore!