Understanding Investments

  • Stock
    A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
  • Bond
    What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
  • Broker
    The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”.
  • Bear
    What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
  • Bull
    What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
  • Margin
    Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
  • Short Position
    A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).
  • Commission
    The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
  • Yak
    What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.