Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  • Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
  • I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
  • If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
  • If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
  • I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
  • Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.
    MANKIND.
    Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.”
    What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.
  • If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
  • If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  • As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
  • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
  • During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”
  • Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
  • If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
  • For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
  • Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
  • I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
  • If you get invited to your first orgy, don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to let nudity “happen.”
  • The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. “Uh-oh,” he thought. “This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.”
  • To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
  • It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
  • I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
  • If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
  • Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
  • Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
  • Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in that.”
  • I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary.
  • I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.
  • If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
  • If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.