More One-Liners

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  • A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind.
  • All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
  • All roads lead to Amber.
  • All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
  • All the world’s an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.
  • All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
  • Amateur Time Lord.
  • American Non-Sequitor Society – we don’t make sense, but we do like pizza.
  • Anarcho-Paladin Anarchy – It’s not the law, it’s just a good idea.
  • Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
  • Are we having fun yet?
  • Artificial Intelligence
  • Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.
  • ASK ME … I’m shy.
  • Assassins do it from behind.
  • The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
  • Avoid cliches like the plague … they’re a dime a dozen.
  • Back off, man … I’m a scientist!
  • BACK RUBS (Given with pleasure, received with ecstasy.
  • Ban the bomb … Save the world for conventional warfare.
  • Be yourself … It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.
  • Beam me up, Scotty … it ate my phaser!
  • Beam me up, Scotty … the elevators don’t work.
  • Beam me up, Scotty … there’s no intelligent life here.
  • The beauty of a pun is in the “Oy!” of the beholder.
  • Being weird isn’t enough.
  • Berserkers do it without thinking.
  • Better dead than mellow.
  • Better living through alchemy.
  • Beware! I’m armed and have pre-menstrual tension!
  • Beware of Quantam Ducks! Quark! Quark! Quark!
  • Bill the Cat Fan Club
  • Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
  • Bombs don’t kill people … explosions kill people.
  • Born to be cuddled.
  • Born to shop.
  • Built for comfort, not for speed.
  • Bureaucrats cut red tape … lengthwise!
  • Busydo … the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
  • “C” combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
  • Caffiend!
  • Calm down … it’s only ones and zeros.
  • Caution … Contents under pressure.
  • Cuation: Hungry Dieter … may bite if provoked.
  • Certified Public Assassin
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • COBOL sucks, Pascal bytes, and assembly is a bits.
  • Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process.
  • Cthulu Cthucks
  • Cthulu for President – if you’re tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.
  • Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.
  • Delight and amaze me!
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and hard to light.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
  • DON’T BUILD MORE NUKES … until we’ve used the ones we have.
  • Don’t get even … get odd!
  • Don’t hate yourself in the morning … sleep til noon.
  • Don’t just stare at me … fantasize!
  • Dragonriders do it in between.
  • Dreamers build castles in the air, psychotics live in them, psychologists collect the rent. Pessimists build dungeons in the air.
  • Dyslexics have more fnu!
  • Dyslexics untie! Together we can trip up the world!
  • Eat the rich … the poor are tough and stringy.
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  • Entropy requires no maintenance.
  • Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies.
  • Every silver lining has a cloud.
  • Everyone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  • Excuse me while I change into something more formidable.
  • Feline Sapiens
  • The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.
  • 43% of all statistics are worthless.
  • Go, lemmings, go!
  • Good Morning is a contradiction in terms.
  • Graduate of the Mad Max School of Defensive Driving
  • Happiness is a TARDIS with a working dematerialization circuit.
  • Happiness is the Planet Earth in your rear view mirror.
  • Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances?
  • Have a nice day somewhere else.
  • Have an adequate day.
  • Have an illuminated day.
  • Have TARDIS, will travel.
  • Have you hugged your dragon today?
  • Hedonist for hire … no job too easy.
  • Heralds don’t pun … they cant.
  • He’s dead, Jim. Of course he’s dead … I killed him.
  • Hollow chocolate has no calories.
  • Human beings don’t live like this.
  • I am not a trained killer … I lead trained killers.
  • I am not conceited … I just can’t stand mortals.
  • I am the mother of all things, and all things must wear a sweater.
  • I can’t be late … I just got here.
  • I don’t have to take this abuse from you … I’ve got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
  • I don’t have ulcers … I give them.
  • I don’t like violence, but I’m very good at it.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity … I revel in it.
  • I have a mind like a steel seive.
  • I have not lost my mind … it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
  • I know it all. I just can’t remember it all at once.
  • I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
  • I never spit in your drink, why do you smoke in my air?
  • I used to be amused … now I’m just bored.
  • I used to be disgusted … now I’m just amused.
  • I used to be sane, but I got better.
  • I used to get high on life, but I’ve built up a tolerance.
  • I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
  • If all else fails … lower your standards.
  • If at first you don’t succeed … change the rules.
  • If God hadn’t wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn’t have given me such a vivid imagination.
  • If guns are outlawed, how shall we shoot the liberals?
  • If it has syntax, it isn’t user friendly.
  • If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
  • If there is anything in this universe more important than my ego, I want it taken out and shot right immediately!
  • If we were meant to fly, we wouldn’t keep loosing our luggage.
  • If you can’t dress weird, why dress at all?
  • If you can’t say something nice, say something surrealistic.
  • If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
  • If you’re right 90% of the time, why quibble over the remaining 3%?
  • I’m a citizen of the universe and a gentleman to boot.
  • I’m apathetic and I don’t care.
  • I’m feeling argumentative … please contradict me.
  • I’m never late … nothing starts without me.
  • I’m not a mercenary … killing is more of a hobby with me.
  • I’m not breaking the rules … I’m just testing their elasticity.
  • I’m not irresponsible … I’m out of control.
  • I’m not loafing … I work so fast I’m always finished.
  • I’m not tense, just terribly alert.
  • I’m not unemployed … I’m looking for the perfect job.
  • I’m sorry, but a unicorn doesn’t work like a mule.
  • I’m sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma.
  • Immanuel doesn’t pun … he Kant.
  • Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror.
  • In your heart you know it’s flat.
  • Incorrigible punster … Do not incorrige.
  • Incorrigible Romantic
  • Indecision is the basis of flexability.
  • Insanity is hereditary … you get it from your kids.
  • It is better to remain silent and thought a fool then to speak up and remove all doubt.
  • It’s a small world, but I’d hate to have to paint it.
  • It’s hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
  • It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
  • It’s not a bug … It’s an undocumented feature.
  • It’s not a dungeon … It’s a fortified underground defense installation.
  • It’s not whether you win or lose … it’s how you place the blame.
  • It’s not my fault.
  • It’s not the principle of the thing … it’s the money.
  • It’s you and me against the world … when do we attack?
  • I’ve been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
  • I’ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
  • It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
  • I’ve had fun before … this isn’t it.
  • Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
  • Kamikaze chemist
  • Keeping freedom safe from democracy.
  • Kiss me. I’m not Irish, but don’t let that stop you.
  • Knowing Murphy’s Law won’t help either.
  • Ladies’ Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society
  • League of Bloodthirsty Women
  • Lefties are better lovers.
  • Let me control a planet’s oxygen supply, and I don’t care who makes the laws.
  • Lethargy in Motion
  • Let’s split up … we can do more damage that way.
  • Life isn’t always fair, but it shouldn’t cheat that much.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
  • Live now … procrastinate tomorrow!
  • The meek will inherit the earth … the rest of us will go to the stars.
  • Mercifully Free of the Ravages of Intelligence
  • A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
  • Mobile non-smoking area.
  • Mostly harmless.
  • Murphy was an optimist!
  • Murphy’s Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
  • My back is computerized … it has a floppy disk.
  • My life may be strange, but at least it’s not boring.
  • My mind is made up … don’t confuse me with the facts.
  • Nasty, Brutish and Short
  • Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
  • Never confuse endurance with hospitality.
  • Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
  • Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful.
  • Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
  • Never tell me the odds … numbers confuse me.
  • Never try to teach a pig to sing … It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.
  • No one ever built a statue to a critic.
  • Not Quite Human Any Longer
  • Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • Now is not a good time to annoy me.
  • Nuke the Smurfs
  • Nuke the Whales
  • Nuke ’em from orbit … it’s the only way to be sure.
  • Nuke ’em till they glow, then shoot ’em in the dark.
  • Oh, no … not another learning experience.
  • One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.
  • 186,000 miles per second … It’s not just a good idea … it’s the law.
  • One Step Beyond The Night Gallery into The Outer Limits of The Twilight Zone.
  • Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies two to one.
  • Peace through superior firepower.
  • Peace through superior swordplay.
  • Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity.
  • Please do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.
  • Poets make better lays.
  • Possessor of a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
  • Pound for pound, the ameoba is the most vicious animal on earth.
  • Prepare for the future … Read Science Fiction.
  • Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
  • Rampaging Anarchist Horde and Floating Beer Party
  • Real Daleks don’t climb stairs … they level the building.
  • Real men write self-modifying code.
  • Real programmers don’t document … If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who cannot deal with Science Fiction.
  • Remember … there’s more to life then Science Fiction, but not much.
  • Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!
  • Scottish country dancers are reel people.
  • League of Pushy Women. Self-Appointed Chapter Head.
  • Serenity through viciousness.
  • Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
  • The shortest distance between two points has a bridge out.
  • The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.
  • Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw
  • Science is true … don’t be misled by facts.
  • Smurf Exterminator
  • So many books, so little time.
  • Spending A Year Ahead For Tax Purposes
  • Squint when you approach me, lest you be blinded by my beauty.
  • Success is acheiving the top of the food chain.
  • Suffering the Inhumanity of Regular Employment
  • Support Free Trade … Smuggle!
  • Support your local thieve’s guild … Leave your doors unlocked.
  • Take me drunk … I’m home again.
  • Teacher From The Black Lagoon
  • Terminator … the few, the proud, the machines.
  • Thank you for not breathing while I smoke.
  • The less you bother me, the sooner we’ll get results.
  • There are very few personal problems that can’t be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.
  • There are many intelligent species in the universe … they are all owned by cats.
  • There are only 2,000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects.
  • There’s never time to do it right … there’s always time to do it over.
  • There’s no need to do housework. After four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.
  • They’ll take my sword away when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the hilt.
  • Think “HONK” if you’re a telepath.
  • This is no ordinary fool you’re dealing with.
  • Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.
  • Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
  • To iterate is human, to recurse divine.
  • Today is the first day of the rest of your sentence.
  • UFO’s are real … the Air Force is swamp gas!
  • Unicorns aren’t mythical … virgins are!
  • The universe does not have laws … it has habits and habits can be broken.
  • Until you walk a mile in someone’s moccasins, you cannot imagine the smell.
  • Uppity Women Unite!
  • User Hostile
  • User Surly
  • A VAX is virtually a computer, but not quite.
  • Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951
  • Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
  • Warning: This person reads fantasy and is an avid denier of reality.
  • The way to a man’s heart is with a broadsword.
  • We both have the same problem … you!
  • Weirdness magnet
  • What does a sacred chao say? MU!
  • What’s the point of being fascinatingly crazy if you don’t enrich the world with it?
  • What’s the good of being grown up if you can’t be childish?
  • When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.
  • Why are elves chaotic? Brownian motion.
  • Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
  • Why can’t you be unique and original like everybody else?
  • Windows, and Icons, and Mice! Oh, my!
  • Woad Warrior
  • Worst-dressed sentient being in the universe.
  • Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?
  • Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you’ve got something.
  • You know, just once I’d like to meet an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.
  • Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency.
  • Your silliness has been noted.
  • Your not the only one who thinks I don’t know what I’m doing.
  • YUMMIE Young Upwardly Mobile Mutant